Heavy Heart

Oh my God- I am petrified. I am tired, through and through.

These words of struggle are not for you, God. But please, do listen.

I am so thoroughly torn in my methods of understanding. I know that certain events occur in one's life- in every life, for that matter- that shape their path, their ways and their world. I am at a point of frustration- beyond frustration. I am bursting at the seems with heart ache and grief, attacked by panic and isolation- and I don't want my cognitive state to remain this way anymore. I am shackled by my past and my memories, and ever so with every movement I make that draws me closer to my Christ. That is the way of things- and I know this.

I have never struggled so long with the "why-s" in life. Why something has happened, why someone has left, why someone has come along... When it comes to the workings of the Creator, I rarely delve in to such questions. I would spend my whole life in quest of those answers if I allowed them to overwhelm me in such a way. Instead, I focus on the issue at hand, that are given me- "What do I do now?" Do I keep moving, or fall privy to stagnancy? These are the questions that matter- and I struggle more with them than anything else. But even those questions are becoming difficult to understand.

What I don't know,

Is if I am going to be able to hold it together for my Lord... If I am strong enough to take this beating without it killing me, turning me, taking me. Without it making me a disgrace.

Please understand.

I am terrified that this world, this life, this immense sea of horrid, wrenching pain that I cannot seem to drain, that infects my slumber, my consciousness, my health, my heart- that which I carry with me as the fountain of my life's dealings, is going to swell in to a torrent that I cannot contain, and drown me. Insanity is on my heels at every turn- she follows me... the option to give in to the shadows and rationalize my sinful desires is constantly cooing, to turn completely from Faith and God- and run in to the body of my sorrows... even in moments of sparkling clarity- and complete connection to Christ, these fears, attached so fiercely to my real life torture, stand on the outside of that divinity, eagerly waiting to burst in through unsuspecting doors, tapping its forked tail on tiled floor with slow burning contentment.

My Lord, I am not angry with you. I do not question your logic, your developed plan... My message is not for you. It is for him; the great betrayer, who lives below you in his kingdom of fear and depravity; the one who has taken all that I have lost.

WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Standing outside of my every turn, my every thought, peering in,
As if YOU are God!
As if you are as important as He...

I am not the disillusioned one;
As much as you try to convince!
Even as sharply as you devour and destroy
He creates thrice what you tempt
And thrice what you bleed your sins upon!

What do you expect to gain, I wonder,
From the thwarting of my soul?
You work so passionately to break me
But with every hand you lay down
You simply gain your fate.

What will be your fate?
(Sometimes I wonder if you know.)

Certainly not a pardon from Christ-
Who will send his strongest in countless numbers
To slay you
Upon the funeral of I
His child.

You, Satan, who has no children,
Who has no one to love-
And to love you
How can you possibly expect to win this fight?
Against the one who knows all
Who created
And once loved
Even you?

The War is raging,
Demon King
And no matter how hard I may fall
In all my weak humanity, and broken heart;
From my Holy Father,
Never to return,
No matter-
This reality is already set in motion.

Do count on this promise.

In that final battle,
Upon that molten field of rubble-
Where the lakes of blood flow in countless gallons-
I will seal your fate.
Even if I am set upon with demon's horns
Instead of lean, satin wings
Those wings that should have been mine,
Since the beginning of time,
It will make no difference.
Even if I stand as one of yours,
A demon, a temptress, a murderer and walker of darkness,
I will be there.
And in that final moment,
As the last sunset on earth begs to sink-
I will find you.
And I will run that iron sword,
That great equalizer,
Through your hatred breeding heart,
Myself.

God in the Lover

Time is of limited importance here
Where infinity meets rational love-
In the midst of a troubled world, full of humility and despair...

I yearn to stand before God and thank Him for you,
Praise him for you,
In the best and most wondersome way I know how.

I vow to love you when the seas have gone dry
And the mountains have wept-
When all is but an inkling of forefathers, a blinking eye unseen,
I will stand with you.
Beside you-
A part of you;
As the will of Light decrees it.

Even in the deepest beating, the most serious of endeavors,
Or the most lighthearted distractions of sweet, unbelievable joy-
You complete me...
There is nothing else.

- Me, on the most amazing man in my life.

Love is the most searched for, agonized over, bled over, intangible, tangible thing the world has ever known. Think of what you have done in your personal life for love- either in attempts to keep it, or preserve it- or perhaps create it in someone out of desperation; in hopes of life long happiness, of being fixed. We have all done it, on some scale, and at some point- and many of us, if not all of us, are going to do it time and time again. But when we hit it right- when we really look in to the heart of the Universe, of our creator and his creation, and fall in love for all the right reasons, in the right moment- you have what many call, "true love"- and that certainly is an accurate description. We are all different in what we want and what we need, when it comes to the specifics of the vague translation that love takes in our lives. When those baser needs, those most basic of functions, desires and wishes are met, we identify this as love; falling in love, being in love, loving someone, being loved. But- when this love, when these needs, transcend rational likelihood; finding that perfect match, that completing side, that person who carries you without question, who walks with you in every area of your life, fearless and devout to you, and the union between you, that takes on a whole new breath. You unite with this person, and the old you cannot help but be made better and it cannot help but be fulfilled- because you are being blessed in the most tremendous fashion, in the most unbelievable way. It is in this moment that you know, down in your deepest depths, that God loves you enough to take the time to create this person to walk beside you, to give you your chance encounter, or your perfect meeting- and he could have easily forgotten you, or ignored you, beneath the roar of an angry, bitter world, screaming for his attention.

The best relationship advice I ever got was from my stepfather. "Keep God in the cross hairs of your relationships, especially when you find your soul mate- because they WILL be taken from you. Death comes for us all, and all of our actions have consequences. God replaces these things with love." My mother is his 3rd marriage, and he is her 4th. It is as if there has been no one before in their lives. They are made new again in the transference of such a love.

How amazing.

Independence Day

There is little more unnerving and disturbing while totally necessary, and divine, then moving forward and letting go. Life allows us many options, even though as human beings, we desire to believe that is simply not the case. I cannot count the number of times someone has spoken to me, "But- I don't have a choice. I have run out of options." If that is how you feel, then you have run out of brains. Remember yourself! You are an individual- bestowed with a thousand precious moments, and a thousand precious gifts. Do not sacrifice yourself to less important principles; people come and go, seconds tick by if you are here or not. You cannot make up for lost time. What is it that you cannot accomplish when you truly see the world in this perspective?

Which brings me to my next stop...

How many of us, as lost people, as found people, as infants and elders, walk around this world with so much grief and so much anguish that was never meant to be ours? How many of us say that we have "forgiven" when those same forgiven events, linked like a starving, malicious dog to a dying elm- keep us so hopelessly awake at night? I am suspended in a sense of awe at how much pressure the world CAN hold over us. (Notice how I do not use the word "does".) Why allow such a dismantled, confused and rotten place to hold YOU to a standard of conduct- to trick you in to living a certain way, in to living a double life and swimming idly in a fester of double standards? It is the belief that, in this world, a man can walk on both sides. He won't be caught, he won't be stopped... but, that too is such a dripping lie. Everyone has to answer someone, and every one, no matter what, is dust to dust and ashes to ashes. Can there be any greater hypocrisy than to believe that the rules of the universe, of man and of God, do not apply to you?

What I mean is, the "world" is not moral. She does not care for your reasons, or your excuses- there is only pushes and pulls, actions and reactions. The "world" is not understanding, compassionate, forgiving, healthy or loving. Those are things that we as people hope to breed between each other; within families, communities and (so often forgotten) in our OWN hearts. This dream, this desire and need to fix the windshield of the world requires the utmost sacrifice imaginable- the cutting of ties, the constant expenditure of energy, and the complete willingness to listen to voices so much quieter than yours, for they are the whisperings of your calling and the wisdom that should belong to you. It requires complete surrender to the higher calling... and this does not make you any less important, in fact, it swells your validity and worth to a tremendous measure. (Isn't that what sin and deception feeds on? The human need to feel important?) When you stop living for you, and begin to live for betterment, for justice and for divinity- suddenly, you are something more. Even on this plane, so diseased and lost, that fact is universal.

This Indepenence Day, was the first of true Independence.

A Poem to the Dead

Composed May 2, 2003- recently re-discovered during the move. This poem has always stuck with me, and I consider it one of my personal favorites that I have composed. Enjoy!



"My Majesty!", The Jester said, "I see the Princess running down the hall!-
She sings of books, of life, and love and makes no sense at all!-
Up until this day she has spoken not a word,
But now she twirls, she wails and flails-
It simply is ubsurd!"

"My Jester," said the Queen so trite, "I fear you are mistaken!-
My sweet princess would not be by inspiration overtaken!
She is a prim and proper Princess, as perfect as can be,
Open that door and look again- someone else you'll see!"

"My Queen," the King said softly, beneath his beard of gray,
"Our daughter is and always was just as she is today.
She runs and writes in to the night,
And yells the day to fled!
But you, my dear, have never heard-
Because your soul is dead."