Upon a long reprisal...

It's good to be back!

I decided to take a slight break from publication, in order to allow some time for God's whisperings to sink in and and ferment- to either become sweet wine, or be discarded gently. On top of my impromptu scheduled break, life erupted in to a busy stream of things needing my immediate attention, several of which I was unprepared for. Though stressful and often overwhelming, the last couple weeks have passed and I am content to be back to having ample free time to contemplate, observe and wait for the next round of chaos to strike.

Being alive and moving now is to be inside a pressure cooker. We are experiencing an unusually, freakishly hot summer- with several days already (not even yet July) being well above 100- normally not entirely commonplace at all, but only striking in August. Everyone seems to be pulling themselves along lethargically. No one wants to commit themselves to more than a few minutes at a time outside, and I am in this category. I enjoy the heat and love the act of sweating in the summer sun- but, pregnancy makes for the dangerous to safe line to be far more rigid and restrictive. So- what is there to do during this bulbous, molten stage I am in? A whole lot of reading, praying and observing.

We are now living in the "woods"- back, fairly far out of the hustle and clamor of tourist-y Billsburg. One can actually see the stars here- and the sound of car is foreign and alerts the ears. As far as observation goes, sitting on the porch, or gazing out of the window has been a spiritual treat for me. We have been here just at a week, and I have seen so many of God's creations, moving about freely and comfortably. Tristan saw a fawn, still bow legged and speckled, that he was so close to he could have merely reached out and stroked his back; raccoons, hawks, red fox, lizards, even a snake or two. (Our cats are certainly in elated heaven.) It is such a sweet thing to be reminded of how close one's heart is tied to the earth, how intertwined and co-dependent we are. What little of my psyche ever believed I could be content to live in the city has been silenced.

Spiritually, I am reminded of all the countless scriptures of how God's will is to provide for us, and we are not to fret. Seeing how delicate, yet constant, how tiny, yet plentiful, all of His creatures seem to be- how uncaring the doe is, or the tiny fox outside his den- I am more than reassured by this standard of care. Even if I should die tomorrow, to die in the world as God has painted it, is an honor and does not strike fear in to me. The oldest truths, revisited and comprehended in new light, are often the most powerful and the most necessary. It seems I am in a period of reassessment and definition- and I am absolutely enjoying it.

The Waiting Game

This is poignant. Very. When it comes to the subject of waiting, I feel like an expert on the subject right now. I am waiting on my career to get going, I am waiting on our home, I am waiting on our child to be born, I am waiting on a new job for my husband... these are biggies. And no, I don't always ace the tests on not worrying and being productive and patient during this time. There are days of strong spiritual attack, and days that I simply falter and do not live as fully out of His word as I did the day before. But the gorgeous thing about being in "life limbo" is that God reveals himself, powerfully, to you during these days. Not everything you ask for happens. As long as you are watching for Him, and expecting His presence in a powerful way, the music is still being made; the magic and the majesty still happens. A flower does not simply explode in to a blooming fruit- there are stages, and each one is necessary. Even the flower has to wait.

The time of waiting, in my experience (and it has certainly been no different here) is when God really unfolds some lessons for you. Some of these lessons are encouraging and sweet, while others have a sharp twinge and an embrace- but all of them are life changing. He even plays with you a little, dangling things you need or want in front of you and making you understand how very tiny and small you are... but also, how loved and cherished you are. I know I am loved! As busy as God is, He is still working miracles in my every day life- my pregnancy, even being able to afford our next home- do I have to wait on them still? Yes. But they are HAPPENING. So much of the time, we begin to feel as if waiting equals failure, as if it is doomed, since it is not all flying together and happening overnight. No, not everything you try for succeeds, but if God's will is in it, it's going to happen.

This is the time of our lives we humans hate- but God adores it. This is the time He bends us, shapes us and weaves us in to precisely what He wants us to be.

The reason waiting is an unsure and unsteady time for us is because we dislike being in the unknown. (Cause we know a great deal about what, exactly? Silly peoples.) We love being in the loop, being able to plan and being able to compensate for things. We are not fans of rolling with the punches- even if we become accustomed to it. If we are to follow God completely and totally, with all of our heart and mind, than this is the time we have to pay special attention to. If God has not given something, then the reason is simply because it is not in His time. You're not ready. Some unforseen thing is standing in the way. Someone else involved isn't ready...the periods of waiting in our life must be directed in such a way that we begin to understand that His timing is far more important than our timing. What waiting teaches us is that our wants and wishes are not as important as His overall plan, and they simply never will be. The period of waiting, when we pay attention the lessons placed before us, is when God gets nitty- gritty and develops our character and our story line and we must patiently and productively wait, as not to lose sight of the end goal. We are but one character in a novel filled with thousands of others, and if we do not act accordingly, our place in the story diminishes. We become one of those lame characters that makes poor decisions and gets killed off early. And who wants to be that guy? I want to see how it ends.

If you know how to wait well, then you also know how to be blessed well, all the while maintaining your spirit of humility. Waiting well means being selfless, non obsessive, relaxed- sure of your faith in Him... it is this beautiful area between moving on and hanging on where magic happens in your soul. You continue to pray for what you are waiting for, but you feel no anxiety for it- you feel no urgency, no terror- because it is in this time that God really comes through. This is when he works all the "little" miracles that boost your faith and bring joy to your heart. Look for them, I promise you He is doing them- everyday! It is during the periods of waiting that you realize God really does have your back, that He really does keep his promises and all of His word is solid ground to stand on. Because you are in this spirit, you do well by your blessing when the time finally comes. Instead of receiving what you asked for and thinking, "it's about time" you say, "Lord, thank you- show me how to use this wisely. What is your will in this, what do you want me to do with it, for you?"

You are better for the waiting- always. Rejoice in the time between what you need and what you want, between the questions and the answers that you are seeking. They are coming, they are being sent and being explained, slowly, day by day. Where the glory is, is in His timing and His story. No amount if instant gratification is better than where He can take you.

The First of a Few

I believe that one of the essential keys to happiness and forward progression in your personal and spiritual life, is to learn how to enjoy every single bit of it. Not easy. Also, not a common way to think- and it is understandably uncommon. It is not in human nature to casually walk in to semi (or not so semi) uncomfortable or dangerous situations and not feel the urge to run, escape or abandon the mission entirely. The only truly "unpleasant" situations I can think of that a human being even entertains the idea of marching in to are childbirth and war.... but it is a wise man who enjoys every stage of life, even waiting.

As you get older, you either get better at this theory on life, or you move further from it. Surely, a lot of the propulsion or magnetism towards the idea depends on how you were taught, but not all of the responsibility of your older years falls on your younger ones. I am living proof of this. (Even if you didn't get it from your parent, you can ALWAYS get it from God- who parented you first.) We all get to make choices, and anyone, if they want to, can change. Moving towards this spirit of patient attentiveness to everything, and quiet reverie, pleases God tremendously- as He has taught this lesson to many men and women throughout history and in our biblical text. God loves a good "then and now" story. He loves to take a person who says, "No, I am always going to be miserable, there cannot possibly be anything for me. Get away, I don't need you"- and then make them in to a fully content, whole, beautiful individual, who changes his day and his time. Think of the Moses, Jobe; the disciples. Not terribly "gifted" (by societies standards), no one special, average- even dense. Peter, who was scared in his mortal skin at the time of Christ's crucifixion, became, with time, brave and mighty in God's light. The man, who at his time of execution DEMANDED to be crucified upside down (um, ow. Hardcore, power to you.) as he felt he did not deserve even the same manner of death as Jesus, is the same who ran and denied years earlier. What changed inside of Peter, and so many others, is that God taught Him, day by day, and moved Peter toward a spirit of understanding. Every stage of life has a specific purpose, and it is designed to help you conquer the next. When we think of the hard times in our life this way, as awesome lessons God is teaching us- to turn us in to amazing creatures we never thought we could be, how can we not begin to enjoy even the harshest of things? If we love and trust Him, then we know that His intentions for us are perfect, and no amount of suffering can last forever.

More on the importance of waiting later. For now, I am going to enjoy this stage of my day, and see what God has to say to me. I hope you do the same. :)

Late night thought...

One of the hardest things for me to do, personally, in my walk of faith, is to consistently see myself the way God sees me. I have found (I'm not sure if this is true for most women) that pregnancy has helped that tremendously- and for this, I am grateful. I am seeing myself much more positively and peacefully inside and outside. I love my mind. I love my heart. I love my body- and my life. This is coming from the little girl who just about willed herself to death when she was ten, because she hated herself that deeply. It is God's Grace that has saved me- His wisdom and His love have taught me, have cleaned me, and have fed me.

What I mean by "how God sees me", is not just how I appear on the outside, but how I appear and how I operate on the inside. It's easy to forget how deeply, totally and unabashedly loved you are when you are the one still carrying your sin around. We are our own worst enemies, and the worst at forgiving- especially ourselves. I feel like, if God and I met up for coffee, He would look at me the same way He did on the day I was born. I would think, "Oh, I bet you're thinking about the time I did this, or this time I said that, that hurt you..." but the reality is, when we ask God for forgiveness, it is done. You would ask him in the next moment, "So, are we cool about that?" and he would say, "About what?" It's as if it never happened- because God's will to love us, and His promise to continue to is that great. It overcomes sin- it overcomes everything. We do more than cheat ourselves when we replace the sin God has just removed by holding grudges against ourselves. We look directly in the face of God and say, "you're not right about me." Trust me- He is.

We routinely see ourselves as that kid that lied to their parents about the twenty dollars suddenly missing from the car, or the woman who cheated on her husband, who acted in anger against her children, who did this, who did that- who killed a man, who ran away from life, blah, blah, blah. But guess what- it doesn't matter what you've done wrong. We're all sinners! We're all just as bad as the next. What matters- is what you've done right, and why you did it. Asking for forgiveness, and working in a spirit of self correction, reflection and growth are certainly huge among these things you can do well by, and God so loves all of that. (Especially when He's the center of it!) Many of the greatest, world changing, peace making people had substantial faults and big struggles- they were the same. It was not what they did wrong- but what they did right that changed us. And changed them.

I am infinitely better at loving myself, appreciating myself and letting go of the things I have done- but there is more room to be made in my heart for that. There always will be. I wont fully understand until I meet Him again, but I am going to come as close I can before that time. God helps me- by blessing me in the healthy areas of my life, and helping, like a sweet Father, to steer me away from those things that hurt me, that make me lose the essence of myself. (Thankyou, Jesus.) When I begin to feel down on myself, or that I am inadequate, or insufficient, I recall the way I feel when I am trying to show someone else how beautiful, how talented, and how smart they are- and they just aren't getting it. The feeling I have when I am heartbroken by how they do not see their own beauty, their own prowess, their own destiny and their own strength; when I am standing before them and shaking my head with a smile that means, "you don't have a clue." (You'll see it one day, I always think- and I pray for it.) It's in those moments that I realize how God must feel with me sometimes. Even more intensely. I believe I am right about these people, those that I sit down with and explain their awesomeness, and when I feel God's sweet opinion of me, I have to trust that He must be right and move in it. If I can be right about someone I have been lucky enough to meet and discover on this Earth, God must be right too- seeing as He created me and knows me better than anyone, and- oh yeah- He's FAR more in tune with this sort of thing than I am. Part of how He knows us better is that He knows us only in truth, while we have to learn how to find the reality in a world of deception.

Does this mean we should walk around "acting perfect"? No. Doesn't change anything about the need to be humble- in fact, I think it breeds humility. When I see myself the way God sees me, it magnifies His grace and His incredible nature- and I am so aware of how I am no one, and yet, to Him, I am everything. It's a wonderful chain reaction. All at once, I get to know myself, and my Father even better- and I begin to change and stride forward. My faith is given good soil in which to grow. With God, there is no backwards momentum. "Backwards" was a word invented on Earth in order to keep ourselves stuck, depressed, alienated and discouraged so that we, perhaps, would never understand the concept of how God works- but of course, we invented it with the best intentions. Luckily, the Kingdom only works in forwards, so when you step on that train, the old life burns away. In order to know who you really are, you have to have a date with God and asks Him what He sees. Even if there is great, hard work to be done in you, you will still be His child. You will still be the light in His eyes. WE are His will! (How cool is that?) We are heirs, and yet peasants- blessed beyond anything on Earth, and asked to lead incredible lives. Read the story of your life, objectively, without any thought of how you have sinned, or of how you feel about yourself currently. Look at all you have done- and how Christ has been with you through every step of the journey-- actively love every piece of it, hang on every turn; your successes and your falls. This is your piece of God's story. This is your life. Be yourself, forgive yourself, and LOVE yourself. In other words, be blessed.

Hey God, Pass the Salt, Dude.

I know a lot of Christians that have a prayer ritual- that is to say, they have an allotted time, like as soon as they get out of bed, every day, that they reserve for God. Don't get me wrong, for some people, this is perfect- this charges them up, and it gets them in the zone to keep talking to God all day. Some people prefer to pray in groups, some alone- some aloud, some silently... some in the dark, some in the light, some through song, and some through art. It's awesome, and at times overwhelming, all the various ways that God gives us to worship Him and communicate with Him. For us humans, this love of versitality, is our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. Sometimes when we have so many options, we forget what the point is. We don't always remember what it is we are actually doing.

In talking with people of various faiths, it's unanimous. Prayer get's stale, they say. Prayer becomes a habit, something that is uncomfortable, or doesn't seem to inspire anything- no intimacy, no need for more, no results. I would say it is rare to find someone who has not felt that way about prayer at some point in their lives. I know I felt that way when I was first starting out on my journey. I would fall to my knees, and think- no... that's not quite right. I would nervously choose my words, hoping to say everything just as He would want me to say it. No one really explained what prayer was to me, so I went along doing what I thought was the right thing, and wondering why I felt like a cardboard cut out talking to an illusive King through a cup and wire phone set. What changed for me, was when I started talking to God casually- the way I would talk to a friend; to my Father. Through this very bumbly process, He taught me what the point was.

Learning how to do that, talk to God as if He is right beside you, is so important. My struggle in the beginning was that I felt He was far away. I was forgetting that He takes residence in me, that He is with me in all things. Prayer, for me now, is constant communication- and not always well composed and beautiful. A lot of times it's silly and weird, or it's whatever I feel a need to say- in the shower, in the grocery store, in the car with the windows down, with my husband, at a coffee shop with a guitarist playing- anywhere and everywhere. Even if we are not speaking in words, I am talking to Him, and He is right beside me- and extension of myself, a companion I am not worthy enough to have. Is there power in organized prayer and in all prayer, period? Yes, absolutely. But the point of prayer is not power, not miracles, NOT results--- it is only relationship. The beauty is, I believe, it is very much for us. God KNOWS us, through and through- every bit of our mind and body, He made. But we- do we know God like that? Certainly no, and not automatically. Prayer exists so we can get to know Him. That's oodles better than a cup and wire phone.

This communication is so much of the way that He plugs in to us and feeds us with His spirit. Speak to God as if He is here, as if you know every wrinkle in His face and the feel of His hands- as if you love Him, and you respect Him and you enjoy Him. Like many things we consider biblical enigmas, we over complicate them, we misunderstand them- but prayer is one holy mystery that we can wrap our heads around and count on. We can take that with us where ever we go, and thank God for it! It is the foundation of our Faith, and the water of our World- a river with no water can bear no life, and a house with no foundation cannot stand for long.

The Importance of Praises

No matter when!

Sing His praises! They are to be the brazen bellows of wood, fire and steel from the throats of men- and yet, the softest coo, the sweetest song, in the heart of God.

This came to me this morning- and I want to share what it means to me...To praise God, boldly and unabashedly, is so imperative- not just in deepening your appreciation and your capacity to love, but God teaches us great things through our praise. He teaches us what is truly important- and he dims the dramatic needs and wants we place in such high priority as people, and shows us that He does provide precisely what we need. Those moments, where we realize we are take care of, are freeing. They make us brave in our faith, they make us vulnerably honest with Him- and in return, He gives us such wisdom! SUCH wisdom that we are forever changed, our heart's radically moved and our need for Him ever stronger. The important thing- the most important thing- is to continually praise Him, when one would say you have nothing to be thankful for.

The story of how I came to Williamsburg isn't a story that I generally share. It was heartbreaking- and it was cruel.. and of course, for the next several months, life got no easier. I had been left with nothing... no car, no car insurance, no health insurance, no money, no film school I had been ferociously working towards, no sense of anything anymore. And I was literally dying. All of these things, were taken from me- and I had done nothing to merit it. My whole life had been lined up- and now there was nothing. As far as how I felt toward God, I wasn't angry. He didn't directly do these things, and I didn't believe it was Him who made me as sick as I was- and blaming Him, in my mind, had always been pointless... but I certainly wasn't praising Him. I was very ill, I was broke- and there seemed to be absolutely no hope for me. In a way, I was mentally preparing on that night for death. I just didn't see, anymore, how my life could recover. I was numb- and I was destroyed. I had no one I could trust.

That night, a gorgeous storm rolled in- and I sat on my porch, slowly sipping a stiff drink. The rain came down in sheets, deafening beautiful waves. As I watched that first rolling, thunderous lightning bolt flash across the sky in the distance, I could not help but think of how awesome the bare world was. I thought, "Even the lightning worships him. Even the storm." Three more huge bolts rocked the sky, and although I was alone on the balcony, I smiled wide and laughed. I laughed! The me who five minutes before was convinced that a sad and early death was on its way, was laughing. Because I didn't fear death anymore. I didn't want for anything anymore. The only thing I could think was, "Even if I have no where to go, and I sleep in the woods tonight, I am safe, my soul is God's- and there is nothing that can be taken from me, that He does not already have for me." I praised Him for the air, for the water, for the very essence of the earth as if I had never seen it before- As if my eyes had never seen a thing.

The thunder crashed out again and shook the building ferociously, and to me, it sounded as a hearty laugh, a joyous gesture. God knows how much I adore thunder storms- their power, and their beauty. I suddenly understood- He had already protected me, my whole life, and now, in the midst of this mayhem, he was promising to do it again. The thunder and lightning was his voice, asking me, "Do you believe in me?" And oh, did I ever fall on my knees and say, YES.

I had no idea how my life was about to change. That was two years ago- barely. If you had told me that night that I would be married to the man of my life, free from pain and from self loathing, from a lifetime of abuse, from destructive people and forces that nearly killed me, from disease that was eating my flesh- and with child in a womb that was decreed years ago to be infertile, I likely would have stopped laughing. My heart wouldn't have believed that a future like that was meant for me. But that storm was the beginning of a new chapter- of a new transformation- and He allowed it to be so, because my faith praised Him.

The things of this world, which so frequently bend us wildly out of shape, are nothing, They are dust, they are tiny, insignificant, they are trite- what is everything, is God's presence, His teaching, His love- and His truth. There is never anything that can keep these things from being bright in our lives, other than our own indifference to the miracle of everyday. Praise is what frees us from turmoil- it is what lifts us up above war, and allows us to see even the ugliest of things as God sees them, with God's hope and God's light. Never stop being thankful, never give in to the darkness of doubt- question, but do not live in disbelief.

In the pinnacle moment, God will send you your thunderstorm. He will awaken your heart and change the course of your life- and the reason why is because He promised to. This is one promise you can keep close, and you can count on.

Words

I have been spending a lot of time looking through some of my classic, favorite bible quotes. I could spend a great deal of time writing about these individually, but today I will simply present them as they are! They are so perfect by themselves. Here are a few, enjoy!

"Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and healthy to the bones."
Proverbs 16:24

"But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear."
Matthew 13:16

"Always be joyful."

2 Thess. 5:16

"...Love comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."
1 Timothy 1:5

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
I John. IV. 18

"Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
1 John 3:18

"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."
1 Corinthians 10:24

"As a face reflects in water, so the heart reflects the real person."
Proverbs 27:19

Risen Reflections

Do not get me wrong, I love Christmas. I mean, love it.... just as much, if not increasingly, since I was a very small child, when I was just learning what all of this yuletide business was really about. Easter, though, holds a very like candle in my heart- especially because it is easier, although not impossible, to escape all of the commercial madness surrounding it. In other words, the essence is easier to obtain...The essence of Easter is completely unbelievable, and it is the incredible nature in this act which our faith is based and concreted.

It can be difficult not to feel overburdened with guilt, sorrow and even anxiety at the thought of another man sacrificing his life for us, not to mention our own God, embodied wholly on this Earth. Indeed, there should be a sense of heaviness to this act, as we must understand the serious nature in which these decisions were made by our loving Lord--- but, Easter is celebration. Easter is the promise, the whisper in the words of God that had been spoken and prophesied for centuries... that the savior was coming, and that nothing would be able to stop his triumphant reign, not even death. It is this act, the crucifixion and resurrection that swept the world, and changed the course of history completely. Can you imagine a world where the image of Christ does not exist? How many elements of history would be different- would the United States have even been founded? How would our morals be shaped- would we still sacrifice animals, would ritual still be a key in to heaven for us? There are so many things in the history of our world in which this day, this Easter, was the necessary catalyst.

Has it been the catalyst in you?

Has the knowledge of our God, murdered and then alive, changed you, internally, in the way that it changed the very course of history? That is the savory meat of this day. Transformation. Love. Complete truth. Light. Do what you can, every single day, to be those things for someone else- let God shine through you. And let God shine ON you!

Animal Instinct in Me

The relationship between man and nature is a realm in which I believe we have much more learning to do. Not just for the sake of science, or of curiosity- but in the realm of spirituality as well. We are so quick to see how an animal has been equipped with the necessary tools to survive, yet when it comes to our species, we are constantly looking for what we have not been built with. Ironically, it is this semi- glass half empty stance that has forwarded our intellect in terms of IQ, but has for many, halted our spiritual nature. Often, we should see ourselves as the animals we are.

What is it that we humans are constantly seeking in animals? Loyalty, intelligence, personality... stealth, will, and beauty... but why do we hunger so much for these things? For me, God has always been able to speak to me far more concisely through an animal companion, than through any of number of preachers. The reason for this, I believe, is that a great amount of my animal companions traits, which I adore and revere, are instinctual. This means they are true, and trustworthy. There is no harmful motive, sore vendetta or disagreement- although, an animal certainly obtains the right to disagree with you. Yet, the disagreement is understood, and there is a quick process of moving on. In other words- what we hunger for is their simplistic good nature. When we learn a lesson through that innocence, it is difficult to dispute. We are quick to forget to model this innocence, and this instinctual response, in our own lives.

It has been the pattern, especially over the past century, to dispute the joy in a simplistic life. There have been a great many theologians and philosophers that have argued that simplicity equals idiocy; an overall lack of desire and thought. On the other hand, there have been great examples of those who have lived simply and desired very specific things, who have changed the world. What there is no dispute over, however, is that baggage makes a climb, a walk or a swim much, much heavier.

What in your life can be simplified? Does the need for simplicity lie in thought, in possession, in desire? Do you feel a void growing in your life, from somewhere previously uncovered? Work towards that instinctual goodness. Grow out of fear, and suffering. Move in to a part of your life where your trust is valid, your intellect is peaked and your heart is pure. Anything which keeps you from going forward, cast it on to the cross and LEAVE it there. Forget it, and move forward. Does this mean you have been made a fool? No. Casting it aside does not mean forgetting the lesson, it means acknowledging that the meal is done, and refusing to chew on the sinews and bone. You have gleaned all that you can- and once there is nothing left but that which does nothing for you, that is when it is to be thrown away.

Got a Question? Ask the man!

"Faith is better than belief. Belief is when someone else does all the thinking."

The importance of diction comes to my mind in reading this beautiful quote... (wish I could remember who said it!) how true this is, but also- how often do we say something in reference to God, or directly to God, without intention? Without the right heart in tow? Here, the distinction between the action of faith, and the action of belief is made incredibly clear... but how often do we dissect, with discernment, the power of our tongue, the power of how we say what we say? Truly, the power of out communicative speech, whether written or oral, is one of the most declarative and powerful instruments that our Lord has given us. And he gave it to us intentionally- with the intent that we would thoughtful develop and use it. Where many of us wonder is... how? Where do we learn to do that?

In a word of slang filled conversation, with acronyms and tech savvy talk, I often wonder what God must think of the common conversation we have, in comparison to even 50 or 70 years ago. It is an amusing thought! Him listening in on our BRB's- and our OMG's.... But, I also wonder how he feels about our words, so often misdirected and used improperly- for negative reasons, or for reasons unfamiliar with Him. But- this is the beautiful thing...

He made us all differently- and we are all wired, in some respect, to prefer a different way of communication. He wired us to think about how He wants us to be, to constantly garden our ideas and our thoughts- in faith, there is thinking! Belief is the immature version of its older sibling. The importance, to God, in the end, is that we move all our communication, and thought, toward him, as often as we humanly can. In our doing this, he can begin to formulate those questions and offer answers... In this relationship with God, and only here, can we begin to LEARN what the power of our thoughts, our words and our actions mean- and He will surely cement these lessons through scripture and through relationships here on earth. Indeed, it doesn't matter how "prepared" you are for a prayer, for a witnessing, or for a moment of confusion- what matters is that you are giving your words, your thoughts, your time- thoughtfully-to Him, and that you desire nothing but connection, relationship and adoration with Him. He is THE teacher- we all just spread his lessons.

Blessings Great and Small

Family is a subject I have spent a great deal of time meditating, writing and talking about- as a way to manufacture some sort of understanding of this separate animal. Family has been present in my life- not entirely absent, but also, broken and breached. This is a word that stirs a great amount of puzzlement in me; in some cases, a great amount of disappointment. There is also an immense sense of gratitude and pride- in appreciating where I hail from, and in loving this detached, wonderful bunch of people in the best way I can. To all of you who have decided to love me, and who have always been in my corner, I will never have the right words to say what this means to me. Sometimes the best family chooses you.

What this entry is about, is the new family that God is making for me. My husband's friends, our friends, are like brothers to him- and likewise to me. It fell upon me, in thinking of this last night, that if I were still holding on to the pain, and disappointment, of those who have failed as family before, how differently I would feel about the miracles He is presenting to me now. I would weep over this child, rather than celebrate its new life. I would pull away from these new people, who have all the potential to hurt, to change and to disappoint- but that chance means nothing to me now. How vastly empty this blessing would feel- but instead, it is like the perfect surprise that I never thought possible. The thing He is doing, they are great in how small they are. Appreciate every small thing, just as much as you would every long awaited, now answered prayer- and there is nothing to despair about.

Give to the Giver!

Humility is stillness that God works to create in us, so that we may be able to feel the beauty of his symphony. He wants this for us, so that we will desire more than anything to play side by side with our brothers and sisters. He wants this in us, so He can work through us, to affect and change the world we live in, to change the heart of the people we encounter and we love. Humility, though, is trickier than it seems. Humility is not only to serve, but to be served. And one MUST be gracious in doing both.

I was given an opportunity to be totally, uncomfortably served today- and I took it.

I have been, throughout my life, someone who has dreaded the idea of being helped, being given anything for free, or being in a position to have to ask for that. I was taught that this was weakness, that this was in some way sinful, to be in need, as it meant you were not wise enough, or strong enough on your own. Over time, I began to realize this was untrue, but continually struggled with the reflex reactions I had grown in to. Painstakingly, (for He and I) God has been delivering serious blows to this complex of mine, and showing me the complete necessity in being able to accept as well as give. You learn from both- and you experience so much of God's heart and hands when you assume both roles in their appropriate timing. To only give, or to only receive, is like taking only one class in a two part course- you are only half as educated as you should be.

So today, confronted with no money, no food, and three hungry bellies, I went to a food bank with a dear friend. My pregnant bump popped out to say hello, bringing lots of affectionate glances and waves from strangers, old and young alike. Throngs developed behind me, chatting and hugging, laughing an discussing what they were going to eat first. It took no time for me to feel one hundred percent at home in this arena of souls. There were chain smokers, people with leg braces, faces tattooed, pierced, scarred, overdone with an excess of make up, perfectly natural faces with a worn attractiveness to them; tight clothes, baggy clothes, great smells, terrible smells... and all in all, a realization began to wake in me. In this line of people, with empty bags, standing in the pouring rain, starved and exhausted, there was laughter. REAL laughter. Sincerity. There was joy. There was reality, honesty and a LOT of humility. We were hungry, yes, but we passed food down to others, asked before taking the last and we celebrated over what we were given that day, and all the days before that. There was more life and happiness in our line of tired, chancy circumstances than there has EVER been in any well-stocked Walmart line. Why? Because we were family, in the way we should always be, due to our common need. Being in need, creates a NEED to love, a need to give back and a need to celebrate what has been given- when God is in the spotlight and when humility has been learned.

Many, many times, I have been the person delivering food to hungry hands. I have been the hungry one far more than once, but never before had I allowed anyone to serve me so completely in this way. I have gotten better at accepting a gift here and there, but never from complete strangers, never from people I didn't know well, and contacted often. The lesson I finally learned today is that neediness is not weakness It builds faith, understanding between people, and makes us understand better HOW to give. It teaches us WHY to give, where to give, when to give, and to do it without show, with love and with intention. It teaches us the holiness of this commandment God has for us, to be servants, and allows us better embrace His universal understanding. A stranger who loves you is no less your brother or your sister than your best friend.

Experience God's music. Wait for your solo, but don't be a soloist.

I Will...

Love unconditionally.

I think this is a term that many of us have little to no grasp on. The reason? Well, we're human, and nothing in the average human life is unconditional, especially in regards to how our world operates. You don't, generally, have a guaranteed job for as long as you want or need it, money fluctuates up and down, we lose our houses, people desert us, or we desert them. Families fall apart, true love seems so rare, apprehension and fear are more common than courage and excitement. In short, there are very few guarantees in our mortal life, and those things which are guaranteed, such as death, we are taught to avoid, and to fear. The runner up phobia to public speaking, is the fear of dying alone, or being totally and completely forgotten after death. For many, this is a definition of what their minds think of, every day. They focus on what they fear. They focus on running and staying ahead of the rest.

So what does it mean to love unconditionally? The common answer would be, to love someone no matter what. To love, in spite of all differences, in spite of all adversity- no matter what happens. This, is a beautiful and grand idea- but doesn't it seriously challenge our self preservation, me first, society? I say, oh yes! This completely challenges our 21st century way of life, and thank God for it, because this is a key principle that needs to change, and that change has been heavily set on my heart and mind by the hands of God.

I believe that unconditional love does not merely mean basic forgiveness, a smile and a handshake; in other words, saying, "Oh, I still love ya." because you feel as if this is what you are supposed to say, and moving on, when it is clear that the damage has been done in your person hood. You are speaking a lie- the love has been broken, and you have already made the resolution to keep your distance. While this makes sense, a lot of times, it is not what we are called to do. We are never called to be closed to anyone in our hearts. Unconditional, here means, having such a loving spirit, that there is no room in it for anything else, that there is no room there for bitterness, for pessimism or for a vengeful spirit. Unconditional love is not a love that you place on other people, nod and walk away from, feeling you have done a good service- unconditional love is a life change that has to take place within you. It is a process of self purification, of drawing in to God's heart, and letting go of your own. To love unconditionally is to love EVERYTHING the way God loves it, to see the way God sees, as much as we can, as mere mortals on this earth.

To love this way is not simply to tolerate, or to endure. It is to love as feverishly, and as passionately as you would as if no pain had ever touched you, no illness had ever befallen you, as if this was the very first moment of your life. And I believe the Lord wants us to live out of this love, this complete, trusting, faithful, unmoving love, in every aspect of our lives. That means, from the way we deal with the closest friend, to the stranger, from the way we view our roles in life, our work, even the way we treat our pets, or the way we view the less than pleasant things in our lives. No matter what happens, he wants us to get back up and not just stand, but jump, not just smile, but laugh- we are to embrace everything completely and joyously that he places on us, even if the process, or the price, is painful and upsetting. Make no mistake, this doesn't call for us to be naive, or life life blindly. In fact, it is the opposite- and I say this from deepest personal experience and perspective... when we live out of that power, out of that love, which is the Holy Spirit, we learn far more incredible things than when we run around shielding our eyes and our hearts from the "might be"s. This is the type of love that changes the world- just by being allowed to be present in ONE person. This is the kind of love that manifests peace, that makes people stop and take notice- that makes people believe in a God, in hope, in a life that is worth living, and a destiny, a mission, a world that is better and more beautiful than we ever imagined. This what makes a better life for our children, a better world for even the smallest of the small... where everyone matters. It is this love that makes a Mother Teresa- she was not born any different than you or I. She made the choice, she chased Christ and He, in turn, taught her to love this way. We can, and we should, love this way. We need to start today, and every day by saying, I WILL.

So how do we do it? We seek the cross. We crush our fears, and replace it with God's hope. We believe in what is seemingly impossible. We chase, and we chase, and we chase- and we believe in God's holy plan, in his superior intellect, in his incredible heart. We do all that we can to become it, to embrace it, the way a spark joins in to a fire. Believe in the importance of your participation in God's plan, believe that every second is given to YOU to make a difference for God, and that nothing is a waste of time, especially if God has called you to it. Accept the pain you will go through, and love it anyway. Accept that people will try to destroy you, will try to manipulate you, will try to defile you- and love them anyway. Know them. Speak to them, be with them- if God so wills it. Do not turn away from anyone. As Christians, we are a part of God's whole, so we must be willing to be his arm, or be his hand- always.

How much do we injure God? Think of the things you have done in your lifetime, that you are sure have made god weep, and have pierced him. Now, multiply that by a world. Multiply that. How many of his children has HE lost? How many have turned their back to Him, spit on Him, ridiculed and make a joke of Him? How many have done heartbreaking things, terrible, awful things to his other babes? If we are so sure that the things we have done have hurt Him deeply, imagine how he cries out during a genocide? A murder? Torture? Abuse? And yet- he does not give up on us, he does not betray us... in fact, He still passionately, unconditionally, totally and joyously adores us. He died for us, as a whole. He died for the murderers, and the ones who refused to know him, just as readily as He died for those who were closest to Him.

Our God knows our pain, from his seat in heaven, and from his body while on earth. We do not serve a God who is not willing to suffer with us, willing to cry when we cry- and not only is He willing, he does it. But He does not stop, and He does not cease.

Start today. Love courageously.

If It Seems too Good to be True...

...Sometimes its God.

This phrase came to me not too long ago, and it struck me! How much do we subscribe to that idea, that if its too good too be true, it must be? We are taught, over and over, through family, society, common sense (in many ways), friendships, and romantic relationships, that we should be wary of any great kindness, that most things are snakes in the grass. Of course, in many situations, it's a good rule of thumb... If you are buying a car, and the car is priced phenomenally low, the salesman is a little pushy and demanding, and you're not allowed to test drive before purchase, I would say this rule should be abided by. The problem arises when we bring this life principle in to the arena when dealing with Christ. Christ, is not selling anything. (As much as people often try to sell Him- sigh) He is not out to make us in to fools- and when every other area of our life seems be modeled around avoiding being made in to the fool, how do we accept the humble role of servant to our Lord? We must cast off this idea, that we are not to dream, that we are not to rejoice- and that we are not ever to be taken a fool. (At least a fool is teachable, and fool, here, does not equate stupidity.) It is possible to be aware, to be safe and to be intelligent, while also joyous. God allows for those things to co-exist. Not only does he allow it, he encourages and applaudes it. Does Christ promise an easy, care free road? No. He promises a road that will call you to trial, that will throw you to the wolves, lend you to deal with prejudice and hate- and that will likely strip you, dress you, and strip you again- but in that same breath, he promises you COMFORT, and, I feel, he promises you a reason to truly CELEBRATE. In a burned field, there is still the blooming flower, the gentle rose- and that is our presence in the world. We are uncrushable, we are unstoppable and we are gentle with God's love in our lives. We are the same, and yet, we choose to be different, we choose an embrace over revenge, we choose love over spite- we are entering a life that is unsteady, but necessary and key. Why, then, do we find ourselves so fearful of being taken advantage of, or being made in to a joke? Honestly- if we feel that way, we do not understand the true spark of divinity in God's power. We begin with this fear as an idea of self preservation, but if not kept in check, it turns in to a leak in the dam, and begins to rob us of intimacy and friendship with our God. We have to trust and believe in our leaders on earth; our partners, our friends, our father's, our families, and sometimes we are called be a leader ourselves... We must also trust God, this is no different- other than God is far more trustworthy.

The testimonies, that I have personally witnessed and personally experienced, of God's hand are unbelievable. A good friend of mine was once homeless- and literally, in total trust and humility, dropped to her knees and begged for a solution- and when she stood, she knew she was taken care of. Within three days, someone literally HANDED her a pair of keys, and she had a home. No cost, no strings. Just a wealthy man, trying to make a difference- he heard a call, he answered. It's a scary thought, honestly, according to our society standards. I asked her, "Were you scared that this person might have wanted something from you? Or that he might turn against you, or put something above you- as you would be in a position of "owing" him?" She smiled and said, "Of course I thought of it, but instead of worrying, I prayed, and I listened- and God showed me that this man's heart was good- and this gift of a home was God's intention, carried out by this person. And that it was alright, and that I should trust it." Within a week she was moved in- and she too heard a calling. She fed people, clothed people and took people in to that home- she opened it doors and the sorrowful and the sick came, to be cared for, to be touched and loved. There is a plan in this- that requires our full participation as human beings... I believe in my soul that she received that miracle, in that way, in that moment so that God could place a calling in her heart. It is imperative to remember that our blessings do not belong to the self- but to the whole, to the Body. God is the provider, but we distribute, and we sow the seeds.

On the other hand, there are people I have known my whole life, who hit their knees everyday, and as each day goes by, their constant prayer remains unanswered. Many people who experience this become so frustrated and so hurt, and as our lives go on, of course they do. And for some, they die with that prayer unanswered. Many, when this happens, turn their finger to God, I, however, turn my thoughts to us- to His people. If we all lived selflessly, giving freely out of every blessing, without fear and with only the purest of intentions in our hearts, the face of the world would be radically changed. Would there still be death? Oh yes, it is a part of life. Would there still be tragedy? Unfortunately. But no one would starve. No one would suffer abuse, no one would die at the hands of another, no one would be defiled and damaged- and so many more of those unanswered prayers would be answered, and with a shout! We are here to take care of each other, and help each other to learn, brothers and sisters. Starting now- let's dedicate to DOING it!

It is hard in life, and especially in this day and age where so many things are instantaneous, to deal with something we can so easily see as a constant disappointment. But the beauty, and the wholeness of living with unanswered prayers (which, lets be honest, be all must do- as we are not perfect, and cannot answer every call) is when we can still accept the good- and realize God's hand is still just as prevalent in our lives. We are truly reaching a whole new level of trust, selflessness and faith when we can understand that the timing of the gift, or the miracle, is just as important as the fulfillment of the promise itself. Believing in God's timing- and TRUSTING it, as in, relieving yourself from the stress of when and why, is incredibly important. That's the beauty! Even if everyone else fails you- God is still on your side, and He is still making an arrangement in your life. There will never be a day that you cannot come to Him and cry in to His spirit. But, if we spend our lives grieving over what we do not have, we have nothing- and everything we may have had, rots.

Sometimes, every once in a while, a gorgeous thing, or beautiful opportunity, the dream of a life time comes our way-- often with the price of hard work, and sometimes out of the realm of unexpected things. How many times do we look back, after being so heartbroken by a series of disappointments, but then, in retrospect, see how perfectly everything came together? Yes, parts are to be credited to your life choices, and parts are as a result of other's choices- but in the end, it is impossible to look back and not see God's hand and wisdom in the total picture. He loves us with a low voice, and guides us with a steady hand- not a loud yell and stern kick, because He wants us to LIVE. We are not puppets, and we don't want to be puppeteered... we are servants, to Him, and thereby, to each other. We have to want to serve, we have to want to do the most beautiful things, to invent a new way, and to boldly continue on- we need to want to be the catalyst which allows for a prayer to be answered, for a light to be switched on in the darkness. We need to want to love, all the time, everyday. And if we all lived out of that need, if we all focused on answering that call, there would be nothing to fear. Nothing would be too good to be true. Ever.

If Life Seems Jolly Rotten, There's Something You've Forgotten!

I know I have started mornings where I awake, and all I can think is, "What am I supposed to be doing? I should be through school, and I'm not- everyone thought I would have a booming career at this point in my life, and I don't...What goal do you have for my life, What am I doing?"

When I do this, I am asking God's will in the wrong way... I think this is an unnecessary stress so many of us force on ourselves. So often we ask God, "Why aren't I doing these things now, today- because I should be doing them! What did I do wrong? (As if it is always punishment, we know better.) Why haven't I landed that job? Why did the plans change?" But we so often forget that God doesn't work within SOCIETAL standards. It is not God's law which dictates that you should be graduated by such age, or that you should be married, with two perfect kids in a picket fenced house...it is only in his law that we do his will, and willingly obey. So often, we ask the wrong question. We ask why DON'T I, as opposed to, why DO I... Imagine if we all started our day, humbly, with this instead...

"God, why have you given me today?"

Every moment, there are more than a thousand and one ways in which we could perish, in which we could be wiped off the face of this planet and everyday people's journey's on Earth come to an end. How many times have you gotten off the highway, just as a terrible accident occurs, that would have been you? Has a bullet ever grazed your body? Have you gone to war, and come back alive? Have you been incredibly ill, and miraculously survived? Oh, don't worry- I have died TWICE, and still I find myself fretting over what I do not have, when I should be singing in the streets, every second, for what I do have.

We ask why we haven't received things, as opposed to why we have been GIVEN them. And those things we have been given, we are far more apt to let go of than what we feel we are missing. Yet, we have nothing without life! And it is the very thing whose presence we find it easiest to ignore. We forget to see the awesomeness in our daily lives, in the fact that we have a purpose and a calling. The more we invite God in, to take the place of all the silly wants we hold on to, the more we want to sing, and the more singing we will do.

Working on completely manifesting this change of perception is key to relationship and intimate closeness with God. There are no longer any losses in life, only gains- and no more shut doors, only opportunities. And those opportunities are moment, by moment. It is this point of view that is the spark of life, of hope, and is closest to the beat of God's heart. We are not to worry over anything- we are to listen to each and every breath, and to follow as closely as we can, despite our tiredness, or our imperfections.

I have taken this approach, like an iron clad baseball bat, to the things I previously considered "losses" in my life. Abuse, abandonment, failures, changed plans, health issues, etc... and suddenly, with this loving perspective in tow, these things are far from losses, but unbelievable achievements. I lost NOTHING in these dark hallows, in which I thought I lost everything, that God has not replenished in my heart with his incredible love, and his incredible truth. Because that abuse did not make me hateful, those changed plans have their course and I am still presently living a wonderful life, and those health issues are behind me- hence, nothing is lost. And my life, my child, my husband have been gained. These things are not "rights", or "privileges"--- they are divine miracles. And the beauty is- it's not just me. Everyone experiences them. Believe in yourself the way our Lord believes in you, constantly, without fail- as he believed in us always. Believe in the miracles.

"There is nothing that the World can take that God will not replace- and there World cannot take ANYTHING that God has given you... as long as you hold on to what has been given, and let go of anything and everything else."

A Few Quick Notes on Some Long Lessons Learned...

Just some lessons I have been learning lately...in delicious bullet format. :)

. Pertaining to that phrase; "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

I have come to believe that that is a completely false notion, or rather, a misunderstood statement. I have rewritten it for myself, to read...

"God doesn't give you anything HE can't handle."

I, as a person walking without any divine thought, ridden with self doubt, selfishness and fear- that person, who is the "I", is capable of nothing. Nothing in comparison to what the "I" who walks in the light, and with the love of God, is capable of. He gives us hardships to learn how to connect back to the source, to learn how to accept the good, and to learn how to be broken and appreciative, and how to overcome the impossible without becoming torn. And this version of the phrase, I adore.

. Pure patience is the answer to all things.

Patience, in its most potent and simple form, is an incredibly difficult, and beautiful thing to diligently try to obtain. It eliminates the need for judgement, for anger, for stress projected on the self- and opens doors of creativity, previously undiscovered. It destroys the angsty pitfalls of disappointment and self loathing, and uplifts the mind in to a healthy and spiritually confident spectrum, free from worldly games. Don't take it all so seriously, and so heavily- let it roll off your back and hit the ground where it belongs... Of course, no one can levitate in this state permanently during our time on the planet, but if we can even achieve this state for even a day, a moment, a second- the possibilities and realities are endless. Most importantly, pure patience in practice requires total love- a nifty, whadya know, double whammy.

. Talk to yourself like you are someone you LOVE.

Loving yourself, all of yourself, unconditionally, is so damn important. And so DAMN weird. Coming from a family where love is rare and uncomfortable between people, of course this concept is unnerving, and it is perhaps God's most constant lesson for me. But this is the thing... to love yourself, is to know yourself. And knowing yourself, is key to any and all success.

. Be exactly who you are, and what you are, 100% of the time.

It doesn't matter who is listening, what eyes are watching- if you're not you, how in the world can you impact anyone or make a difference in anything? What would Einstein have done if he had abandoned his passion for a more common and lucrative field? What would Tesla have accomplished is he wasn't such a cat obsessed, static electricity loving weirdo? Or even the great actors of the silver screen- how much inspiration and joy would be missing from our lives if they abandoned their unlikely, and elaborate dream? The point is, who you are, and knowing who you are is the key to understanding what you are MEANT to DO. Embrace it! Play in the mud, sit with yourself in a sandbox and build something beautiful.

. "You have enemies? Good! It shows you stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill

(FEARSOME! Good form!)

Right. Thank you Churchill. This speaks for itself.

"The one rule in this house is: Stop. Growing. Up."

Inevitably when one marries and is with child, you feel a sudden urge to revisit your childhood and to re-examine where it is you come from, who you are. To the "me" that existed even two months ago- I believe that prospect would have been daunting, chilling and down right terrifying to me. After all, my child hood was filled with so many things that no childhood should have had- BUT- I am rediscovering so many things that not only helped me survive, but helped me grow and become who I am today. And who I am today, I love. It is not the hardships that made me who I am- it is how I fought them.

The most enjoyable part of this visit to my younger years has inevitably been all the stories I read and all the tales I loved to be immersed in. Peter Pan, Robin Hood, The Sword and The Stone- all the old fables, the Pied Piper... all of the kids books I adored, like Stella Luna, The Bridge to Terrabithia, and Where the Wild Things Are. And why don't these things remain standard reading for us when we grow tall and become "responsible"? Why do they become so forgotten for so long? It seems a shame to me- they are so timeless and true. And they often have the best reminders of what it means to be one tiny person on this big world. It's so important to remember that you're tiny. And tiny is good. :)

My prayer for my own heart in this, is that I won't ever REALLY grow up. That I'll always be willing to suspend my senses, in honor of a greater story, for a larger than life day. (Kids can do this- without ever loosing their grip on reality. We try it- and we find out that we are scared to play, scared to pretend again. But how many live their lives pretending- and not in the fun way?)

I want my heart to grow softer with the years, not harder. For my mind to open wider and wider- until it's too wide to do much of anything but write story after story and do thing, after thing. I want to give joy, passion and wit to my children- so that their smiles and their hearts will be diminished in the face of very few things. I want to live logically and illogically- soundly and loudly, and leave my small withered hand print on the face of the earth before my time comes to leave it. It is not that I want to be remembered, it's that I want to be something worth remembering.

All the pieces of my heart and my head that have succome to abuse, to hurt and to pain- they will be destroyed and replaced. Replaced by God. Replaced by love. Replaced by timelessness, and virtue- and my ever longing desire to listen to Him, wherever He may will me. And the process is in progression.

Our God is not an old man, who is too tired to run, too tired to jump, who doesn't believe in flying anymore- He is the spark in the eye of a young boy, the laughter in the middle of a war- the unrocked peace in the presence of death.. He never ages. He never gives up on the dream- and He never stops believing in us. So neither shall I.


No matter what.