Late night thought...

One of the hardest things for me to do, personally, in my walk of faith, is to consistently see myself the way God sees me. I have found (I'm not sure if this is true for most women) that pregnancy has helped that tremendously- and for this, I am grateful. I am seeing myself much more positively and peacefully inside and outside. I love my mind. I love my heart. I love my body- and my life. This is coming from the little girl who just about willed herself to death when she was ten, because she hated herself that deeply. It is God's Grace that has saved me- His wisdom and His love have taught me, have cleaned me, and have fed me.

What I mean by "how God sees me", is not just how I appear on the outside, but how I appear and how I operate on the inside. It's easy to forget how deeply, totally and unabashedly loved you are when you are the one still carrying your sin around. We are our own worst enemies, and the worst at forgiving- especially ourselves. I feel like, if God and I met up for coffee, He would look at me the same way He did on the day I was born. I would think, "Oh, I bet you're thinking about the time I did this, or this time I said that, that hurt you..." but the reality is, when we ask God for forgiveness, it is done. You would ask him in the next moment, "So, are we cool about that?" and he would say, "About what?" It's as if it never happened- because God's will to love us, and His promise to continue to is that great. It overcomes sin- it overcomes everything. We do more than cheat ourselves when we replace the sin God has just removed by holding grudges against ourselves. We look directly in the face of God and say, "you're not right about me." Trust me- He is.

We routinely see ourselves as that kid that lied to their parents about the twenty dollars suddenly missing from the car, or the woman who cheated on her husband, who acted in anger against her children, who did this, who did that- who killed a man, who ran away from life, blah, blah, blah. But guess what- it doesn't matter what you've done wrong. We're all sinners! We're all just as bad as the next. What matters- is what you've done right, and why you did it. Asking for forgiveness, and working in a spirit of self correction, reflection and growth are certainly huge among these things you can do well by, and God so loves all of that. (Especially when He's the center of it!) Many of the greatest, world changing, peace making people had substantial faults and big struggles- they were the same. It was not what they did wrong- but what they did right that changed us. And changed them.

I am infinitely better at loving myself, appreciating myself and letting go of the things I have done- but there is more room to be made in my heart for that. There always will be. I wont fully understand until I meet Him again, but I am going to come as close I can before that time. God helps me- by blessing me in the healthy areas of my life, and helping, like a sweet Father, to steer me away from those things that hurt me, that make me lose the essence of myself. (Thankyou, Jesus.) When I begin to feel down on myself, or that I am inadequate, or insufficient, I recall the way I feel when I am trying to show someone else how beautiful, how talented, and how smart they are- and they just aren't getting it. The feeling I have when I am heartbroken by how they do not see their own beauty, their own prowess, their own destiny and their own strength; when I am standing before them and shaking my head with a smile that means, "you don't have a clue." (You'll see it one day, I always think- and I pray for it.) It's in those moments that I realize how God must feel with me sometimes. Even more intensely. I believe I am right about these people, those that I sit down with and explain their awesomeness, and when I feel God's sweet opinion of me, I have to trust that He must be right and move in it. If I can be right about someone I have been lucky enough to meet and discover on this Earth, God must be right too- seeing as He created me and knows me better than anyone, and- oh yeah- He's FAR more in tune with this sort of thing than I am. Part of how He knows us better is that He knows us only in truth, while we have to learn how to find the reality in a world of deception.

Does this mean we should walk around "acting perfect"? No. Doesn't change anything about the need to be humble- in fact, I think it breeds humility. When I see myself the way God sees me, it magnifies His grace and His incredible nature- and I am so aware of how I am no one, and yet, to Him, I am everything. It's a wonderful chain reaction. All at once, I get to know myself, and my Father even better- and I begin to change and stride forward. My faith is given good soil in which to grow. With God, there is no backwards momentum. "Backwards" was a word invented on Earth in order to keep ourselves stuck, depressed, alienated and discouraged so that we, perhaps, would never understand the concept of how God works- but of course, we invented it with the best intentions. Luckily, the Kingdom only works in forwards, so when you step on that train, the old life burns away. In order to know who you really are, you have to have a date with God and asks Him what He sees. Even if there is great, hard work to be done in you, you will still be His child. You will still be the light in His eyes. WE are His will! (How cool is that?) We are heirs, and yet peasants- blessed beyond anything on Earth, and asked to lead incredible lives. Read the story of your life, objectively, without any thought of how you have sinned, or of how you feel about yourself currently. Look at all you have done- and how Christ has been with you through every step of the journey-- actively love every piece of it, hang on every turn; your successes and your falls. This is your piece of God's story. This is your life. Be yourself, forgive yourself, and LOVE yourself. In other words, be blessed.

Hey God, Pass the Salt, Dude.

I know a lot of Christians that have a prayer ritual- that is to say, they have an allotted time, like as soon as they get out of bed, every day, that they reserve for God. Don't get me wrong, for some people, this is perfect- this charges them up, and it gets them in the zone to keep talking to God all day. Some people prefer to pray in groups, some alone- some aloud, some silently... some in the dark, some in the light, some through song, and some through art. It's awesome, and at times overwhelming, all the various ways that God gives us to worship Him and communicate with Him. For us humans, this love of versitality, is our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. Sometimes when we have so many options, we forget what the point is. We don't always remember what it is we are actually doing.

In talking with people of various faiths, it's unanimous. Prayer get's stale, they say. Prayer becomes a habit, something that is uncomfortable, or doesn't seem to inspire anything- no intimacy, no need for more, no results. I would say it is rare to find someone who has not felt that way about prayer at some point in their lives. I know I felt that way when I was first starting out on my journey. I would fall to my knees, and think- no... that's not quite right. I would nervously choose my words, hoping to say everything just as He would want me to say it. No one really explained what prayer was to me, so I went along doing what I thought was the right thing, and wondering why I felt like a cardboard cut out talking to an illusive King through a cup and wire phone set. What changed for me, was when I started talking to God casually- the way I would talk to a friend; to my Father. Through this very bumbly process, He taught me what the point was.

Learning how to do that, talk to God as if He is right beside you, is so important. My struggle in the beginning was that I felt He was far away. I was forgetting that He takes residence in me, that He is with me in all things. Prayer, for me now, is constant communication- and not always well composed and beautiful. A lot of times it's silly and weird, or it's whatever I feel a need to say- in the shower, in the grocery store, in the car with the windows down, with my husband, at a coffee shop with a guitarist playing- anywhere and everywhere. Even if we are not speaking in words, I am talking to Him, and He is right beside me- and extension of myself, a companion I am not worthy enough to have. Is there power in organized prayer and in all prayer, period? Yes, absolutely. But the point of prayer is not power, not miracles, NOT results--- it is only relationship. The beauty is, I believe, it is very much for us. God KNOWS us, through and through- every bit of our mind and body, He made. But we- do we know God like that? Certainly no, and not automatically. Prayer exists so we can get to know Him. That's oodles better than a cup and wire phone.

This communication is so much of the way that He plugs in to us and feeds us with His spirit. Speak to God as if He is here, as if you know every wrinkle in His face and the feel of His hands- as if you love Him, and you respect Him and you enjoy Him. Like many things we consider biblical enigmas, we over complicate them, we misunderstand them- but prayer is one holy mystery that we can wrap our heads around and count on. We can take that with us where ever we go, and thank God for it! It is the foundation of our Faith, and the water of our World- a river with no water can bear no life, and a house with no foundation cannot stand for long.

The Importance of Praises

No matter when!

Sing His praises! They are to be the brazen bellows of wood, fire and steel from the throats of men- and yet, the softest coo, the sweetest song, in the heart of God.

This came to me this morning- and I want to share what it means to me...To praise God, boldly and unabashedly, is so imperative- not just in deepening your appreciation and your capacity to love, but God teaches us great things through our praise. He teaches us what is truly important- and he dims the dramatic needs and wants we place in such high priority as people, and shows us that He does provide precisely what we need. Those moments, where we realize we are take care of, are freeing. They make us brave in our faith, they make us vulnerably honest with Him- and in return, He gives us such wisdom! SUCH wisdom that we are forever changed, our heart's radically moved and our need for Him ever stronger. The important thing- the most important thing- is to continually praise Him, when one would say you have nothing to be thankful for.

The story of how I came to Williamsburg isn't a story that I generally share. It was heartbreaking- and it was cruel.. and of course, for the next several months, life got no easier. I had been left with nothing... no car, no car insurance, no health insurance, no money, no film school I had been ferociously working towards, no sense of anything anymore. And I was literally dying. All of these things, were taken from me- and I had done nothing to merit it. My whole life had been lined up- and now there was nothing. As far as how I felt toward God, I wasn't angry. He didn't directly do these things, and I didn't believe it was Him who made me as sick as I was- and blaming Him, in my mind, had always been pointless... but I certainly wasn't praising Him. I was very ill, I was broke- and there seemed to be absolutely no hope for me. In a way, I was mentally preparing on that night for death. I just didn't see, anymore, how my life could recover. I was numb- and I was destroyed. I had no one I could trust.

That night, a gorgeous storm rolled in- and I sat on my porch, slowly sipping a stiff drink. The rain came down in sheets, deafening beautiful waves. As I watched that first rolling, thunderous lightning bolt flash across the sky in the distance, I could not help but think of how awesome the bare world was. I thought, "Even the lightning worships him. Even the storm." Three more huge bolts rocked the sky, and although I was alone on the balcony, I smiled wide and laughed. I laughed! The me who five minutes before was convinced that a sad and early death was on its way, was laughing. Because I didn't fear death anymore. I didn't want for anything anymore. The only thing I could think was, "Even if I have no where to go, and I sleep in the woods tonight, I am safe, my soul is God's- and there is nothing that can be taken from me, that He does not already have for me." I praised Him for the air, for the water, for the very essence of the earth as if I had never seen it before- As if my eyes had never seen a thing.

The thunder crashed out again and shook the building ferociously, and to me, it sounded as a hearty laugh, a joyous gesture. God knows how much I adore thunder storms- their power, and their beauty. I suddenly understood- He had already protected me, my whole life, and now, in the midst of this mayhem, he was promising to do it again. The thunder and lightning was his voice, asking me, "Do you believe in me?" And oh, did I ever fall on my knees and say, YES.

I had no idea how my life was about to change. That was two years ago- barely. If you had told me that night that I would be married to the man of my life, free from pain and from self loathing, from a lifetime of abuse, from destructive people and forces that nearly killed me, from disease that was eating my flesh- and with child in a womb that was decreed years ago to be infertile, I likely would have stopped laughing. My heart wouldn't have believed that a future like that was meant for me. But that storm was the beginning of a new chapter- of a new transformation- and He allowed it to be so, because my faith praised Him.

The things of this world, which so frequently bend us wildly out of shape, are nothing, They are dust, they are tiny, insignificant, they are trite- what is everything, is God's presence, His teaching, His love- and His truth. There is never anything that can keep these things from being bright in our lives, other than our own indifference to the miracle of everyday. Praise is what frees us from turmoil- it is what lifts us up above war, and allows us to see even the ugliest of things as God sees them, with God's hope and God's light. Never stop being thankful, never give in to the darkness of doubt- question, but do not live in disbelief.

In the pinnacle moment, God will send you your thunderstorm. He will awaken your heart and change the course of your life- and the reason why is because He promised to. This is one promise you can keep close, and you can count on.

Words

I have been spending a lot of time looking through some of my classic, favorite bible quotes. I could spend a great deal of time writing about these individually, but today I will simply present them as they are! They are so perfect by themselves. Here are a few, enjoy!

"Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and healthy to the bones."
Proverbs 16:24

"But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear."
Matthew 13:16

"Always be joyful."

2 Thess. 5:16

"...Love comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."
1 Timothy 1:5

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
I John. IV. 18

"Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
1 John 3:18

"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."
1 Corinthians 10:24

"As a face reflects in water, so the heart reflects the real person."
Proverbs 27:19

Risen Reflections

Do not get me wrong, I love Christmas. I mean, love it.... just as much, if not increasingly, since I was a very small child, when I was just learning what all of this yuletide business was really about. Easter, though, holds a very like candle in my heart- especially because it is easier, although not impossible, to escape all of the commercial madness surrounding it. In other words, the essence is easier to obtain...The essence of Easter is completely unbelievable, and it is the incredible nature in this act which our faith is based and concreted.

It can be difficult not to feel overburdened with guilt, sorrow and even anxiety at the thought of another man sacrificing his life for us, not to mention our own God, embodied wholly on this Earth. Indeed, there should be a sense of heaviness to this act, as we must understand the serious nature in which these decisions were made by our loving Lord--- but, Easter is celebration. Easter is the promise, the whisper in the words of God that had been spoken and prophesied for centuries... that the savior was coming, and that nothing would be able to stop his triumphant reign, not even death. It is this act, the crucifixion and resurrection that swept the world, and changed the course of history completely. Can you imagine a world where the image of Christ does not exist? How many elements of history would be different- would the United States have even been founded? How would our morals be shaped- would we still sacrifice animals, would ritual still be a key in to heaven for us? There are so many things in the history of our world in which this day, this Easter, was the necessary catalyst.

Has it been the catalyst in you?

Has the knowledge of our God, murdered and then alive, changed you, internally, in the way that it changed the very course of history? That is the savory meat of this day. Transformation. Love. Complete truth. Light. Do what you can, every single day, to be those things for someone else- let God shine through you. And let God shine ON you!

Animal Instinct in Me

The relationship between man and nature is a realm in which I believe we have much more learning to do. Not just for the sake of science, or of curiosity- but in the realm of spirituality as well. We are so quick to see how an animal has been equipped with the necessary tools to survive, yet when it comes to our species, we are constantly looking for what we have not been built with. Ironically, it is this semi- glass half empty stance that has forwarded our intellect in terms of IQ, but has for many, halted our spiritual nature. Often, we should see ourselves as the animals we are.

What is it that we humans are constantly seeking in animals? Loyalty, intelligence, personality... stealth, will, and beauty... but why do we hunger so much for these things? For me, God has always been able to speak to me far more concisely through an animal companion, than through any of number of preachers. The reason for this, I believe, is that a great amount of my animal companions traits, which I adore and revere, are instinctual. This means they are true, and trustworthy. There is no harmful motive, sore vendetta or disagreement- although, an animal certainly obtains the right to disagree with you. Yet, the disagreement is understood, and there is a quick process of moving on. In other words- what we hunger for is their simplistic good nature. When we learn a lesson through that innocence, it is difficult to dispute. We are quick to forget to model this innocence, and this instinctual response, in our own lives.

It has been the pattern, especially over the past century, to dispute the joy in a simplistic life. There have been a great many theologians and philosophers that have argued that simplicity equals idiocy; an overall lack of desire and thought. On the other hand, there have been great examples of those who have lived simply and desired very specific things, who have changed the world. What there is no dispute over, however, is that baggage makes a climb, a walk or a swim much, much heavier.

What in your life can be simplified? Does the need for simplicity lie in thought, in possession, in desire? Do you feel a void growing in your life, from somewhere previously uncovered? Work towards that instinctual goodness. Grow out of fear, and suffering. Move in to a part of your life where your trust is valid, your intellect is peaked and your heart is pure. Anything which keeps you from going forward, cast it on to the cross and LEAVE it there. Forget it, and move forward. Does this mean you have been made a fool? No. Casting it aside does not mean forgetting the lesson, it means acknowledging that the meal is done, and refusing to chew on the sinews and bone. You have gleaned all that you can- and once there is nothing left but that which does nothing for you, that is when it is to be thrown away.

Got a Question? Ask the man!

"Faith is better than belief. Belief is when someone else does all the thinking."

The importance of diction comes to my mind in reading this beautiful quote... (wish I could remember who said it!) how true this is, but also- how often do we say something in reference to God, or directly to God, without intention? Without the right heart in tow? Here, the distinction between the action of faith, and the action of belief is made incredibly clear... but how often do we dissect, with discernment, the power of our tongue, the power of how we say what we say? Truly, the power of out communicative speech, whether written or oral, is one of the most declarative and powerful instruments that our Lord has given us. And he gave it to us intentionally- with the intent that we would thoughtful develop and use it. Where many of us wonder is... how? Where do we learn to do that?

In a word of slang filled conversation, with acronyms and tech savvy talk, I often wonder what God must think of the common conversation we have, in comparison to even 50 or 70 years ago. It is an amusing thought! Him listening in on our BRB's- and our OMG's.... But, I also wonder how he feels about our words, so often misdirected and used improperly- for negative reasons, or for reasons unfamiliar with Him. But- this is the beautiful thing...

He made us all differently- and we are all wired, in some respect, to prefer a different way of communication. He wired us to think about how He wants us to be, to constantly garden our ideas and our thoughts- in faith, there is thinking! Belief is the immature version of its older sibling. The importance, to God, in the end, is that we move all our communication, and thought, toward him, as often as we humanly can. In our doing this, he can begin to formulate those questions and offer answers... In this relationship with God, and only here, can we begin to LEARN what the power of our thoughts, our words and our actions mean- and He will surely cement these lessons through scripture and through relationships here on earth. Indeed, it doesn't matter how "prepared" you are for a prayer, for a witnessing, or for a moment of confusion- what matters is that you are giving your words, your thoughts, your time- thoughtfully-to Him, and that you desire nothing but connection, relationship and adoration with Him. He is THE teacher- we all just spread his lessons.