Upon a long reprisal...

It's good to be back!

I decided to take a slight break from publication, in order to allow some time for God's whisperings to sink in and and ferment- to either become sweet wine, or be discarded gently. On top of my impromptu scheduled break, life erupted in to a busy stream of things needing my immediate attention, several of which I was unprepared for. Though stressful and often overwhelming, the last couple weeks have passed and I am content to be back to having ample free time to contemplate, observe and wait for the next round of chaos to strike.

Being alive and moving now is to be inside a pressure cooker. We are experiencing an unusually, freakishly hot summer- with several days already (not even yet July) being well above 100- normally not entirely commonplace at all, but only striking in August. Everyone seems to be pulling themselves along lethargically. No one wants to commit themselves to more than a few minutes at a time outside, and I am in this category. I enjoy the heat and love the act of sweating in the summer sun- but, pregnancy makes for the dangerous to safe line to be far more rigid and restrictive. So- what is there to do during this bulbous, molten stage I am in? A whole lot of reading, praying and observing.

We are now living in the "woods"- back, fairly far out of the hustle and clamor of tourist-y Billsburg. One can actually see the stars here- and the sound of car is foreign and alerts the ears. As far as observation goes, sitting on the porch, or gazing out of the window has been a spiritual treat for me. We have been here just at a week, and I have seen so many of God's creations, moving about freely and comfortably. Tristan saw a fawn, still bow legged and speckled, that he was so close to he could have merely reached out and stroked his back; raccoons, hawks, red fox, lizards, even a snake or two. (Our cats are certainly in elated heaven.) It is such a sweet thing to be reminded of how close one's heart is tied to the earth, how intertwined and co-dependent we are. What little of my psyche ever believed I could be content to live in the city has been silenced.

Spiritually, I am reminded of all the countless scriptures of how God's will is to provide for us, and we are not to fret. Seeing how delicate, yet constant, how tiny, yet plentiful, all of His creatures seem to be- how uncaring the doe is, or the tiny fox outside his den- I am more than reassured by this standard of care. Even if I should die tomorrow, to die in the world as God has painted it, is an honor and does not strike fear in to me. The oldest truths, revisited and comprehended in new light, are often the most powerful and the most necessary. It seems I am in a period of reassessment and definition- and I am absolutely enjoying it.

The Waiting Game

This is poignant. Very. When it comes to the subject of waiting, I feel like an expert on the subject right now. I am waiting on my career to get going, I am waiting on our home, I am waiting on our child to be born, I am waiting on a new job for my husband... these are biggies. And no, I don't always ace the tests on not worrying and being productive and patient during this time. There are days of strong spiritual attack, and days that I simply falter and do not live as fully out of His word as I did the day before. But the gorgeous thing about being in "life limbo" is that God reveals himself, powerfully, to you during these days. Not everything you ask for happens. As long as you are watching for Him, and expecting His presence in a powerful way, the music is still being made; the magic and the majesty still happens. A flower does not simply explode in to a blooming fruit- there are stages, and each one is necessary. Even the flower has to wait.

The time of waiting, in my experience (and it has certainly been no different here) is when God really unfolds some lessons for you. Some of these lessons are encouraging and sweet, while others have a sharp twinge and an embrace- but all of them are life changing. He even plays with you a little, dangling things you need or want in front of you and making you understand how very tiny and small you are... but also, how loved and cherished you are. I know I am loved! As busy as God is, He is still working miracles in my every day life- my pregnancy, even being able to afford our next home- do I have to wait on them still? Yes. But they are HAPPENING. So much of the time, we begin to feel as if waiting equals failure, as if it is doomed, since it is not all flying together and happening overnight. No, not everything you try for succeeds, but if God's will is in it, it's going to happen.

This is the time of our lives we humans hate- but God adores it. This is the time He bends us, shapes us and weaves us in to precisely what He wants us to be.

The reason waiting is an unsure and unsteady time for us is because we dislike being in the unknown. (Cause we know a great deal about what, exactly? Silly peoples.) We love being in the loop, being able to plan and being able to compensate for things. We are not fans of rolling with the punches- even if we become accustomed to it. If we are to follow God completely and totally, with all of our heart and mind, than this is the time we have to pay special attention to. If God has not given something, then the reason is simply because it is not in His time. You're not ready. Some unforseen thing is standing in the way. Someone else involved isn't ready...the periods of waiting in our life must be directed in such a way that we begin to understand that His timing is far more important than our timing. What waiting teaches us is that our wants and wishes are not as important as His overall plan, and they simply never will be. The period of waiting, when we pay attention the lessons placed before us, is when God gets nitty- gritty and develops our character and our story line and we must patiently and productively wait, as not to lose sight of the end goal. We are but one character in a novel filled with thousands of others, and if we do not act accordingly, our place in the story diminishes. We become one of those lame characters that makes poor decisions and gets killed off early. And who wants to be that guy? I want to see how it ends.

If you know how to wait well, then you also know how to be blessed well, all the while maintaining your spirit of humility. Waiting well means being selfless, non obsessive, relaxed- sure of your faith in Him... it is this beautiful area between moving on and hanging on where magic happens in your soul. You continue to pray for what you are waiting for, but you feel no anxiety for it- you feel no urgency, no terror- because it is in this time that God really comes through. This is when he works all the "little" miracles that boost your faith and bring joy to your heart. Look for them, I promise you He is doing them- everyday! It is during the periods of waiting that you realize God really does have your back, that He really does keep his promises and all of His word is solid ground to stand on. Because you are in this spirit, you do well by your blessing when the time finally comes. Instead of receiving what you asked for and thinking, "it's about time" you say, "Lord, thank you- show me how to use this wisely. What is your will in this, what do you want me to do with it, for you?"

You are better for the waiting- always. Rejoice in the time between what you need and what you want, between the questions and the answers that you are seeking. They are coming, they are being sent and being explained, slowly, day by day. Where the glory is, is in His timing and His story. No amount if instant gratification is better than where He can take you.

The First of a Few

I believe that one of the essential keys to happiness and forward progression in your personal and spiritual life, is to learn how to enjoy every single bit of it. Not easy. Also, not a common way to think- and it is understandably uncommon. It is not in human nature to casually walk in to semi (or not so semi) uncomfortable or dangerous situations and not feel the urge to run, escape or abandon the mission entirely. The only truly "unpleasant" situations I can think of that a human being even entertains the idea of marching in to are childbirth and war.... but it is a wise man who enjoys every stage of life, even waiting.

As you get older, you either get better at this theory on life, or you move further from it. Surely, a lot of the propulsion or magnetism towards the idea depends on how you were taught, but not all of the responsibility of your older years falls on your younger ones. I am living proof of this. (Even if you didn't get it from your parent, you can ALWAYS get it from God- who parented you first.) We all get to make choices, and anyone, if they want to, can change. Moving towards this spirit of patient attentiveness to everything, and quiet reverie, pleases God tremendously- as He has taught this lesson to many men and women throughout history and in our biblical text. God loves a good "then and now" story. He loves to take a person who says, "No, I am always going to be miserable, there cannot possibly be anything for me. Get away, I don't need you"- and then make them in to a fully content, whole, beautiful individual, who changes his day and his time. Think of the Moses, Jobe; the disciples. Not terribly "gifted" (by societies standards), no one special, average- even dense. Peter, who was scared in his mortal skin at the time of Christ's crucifixion, became, with time, brave and mighty in God's light. The man, who at his time of execution DEMANDED to be crucified upside down (um, ow. Hardcore, power to you.) as he felt he did not deserve even the same manner of death as Jesus, is the same who ran and denied years earlier. What changed inside of Peter, and so many others, is that God taught Him, day by day, and moved Peter toward a spirit of understanding. Every stage of life has a specific purpose, and it is designed to help you conquer the next. When we think of the hard times in our life this way, as awesome lessons God is teaching us- to turn us in to amazing creatures we never thought we could be, how can we not begin to enjoy even the harshest of things? If we love and trust Him, then we know that His intentions for us are perfect, and no amount of suffering can last forever.

More on the importance of waiting later. For now, I am going to enjoy this stage of my day, and see what God has to say to me. I hope you do the same. :)

Late night thought...

One of the hardest things for me to do, personally, in my walk of faith, is to consistently see myself the way God sees me. I have found (I'm not sure if this is true for most women) that pregnancy has helped that tremendously- and for this, I am grateful. I am seeing myself much more positively and peacefully inside and outside. I love my mind. I love my heart. I love my body- and my life. This is coming from the little girl who just about willed herself to death when she was ten, because she hated herself that deeply. It is God's Grace that has saved me- His wisdom and His love have taught me, have cleaned me, and have fed me.

What I mean by "how God sees me", is not just how I appear on the outside, but how I appear and how I operate on the inside. It's easy to forget how deeply, totally and unabashedly loved you are when you are the one still carrying your sin around. We are our own worst enemies, and the worst at forgiving- especially ourselves. I feel like, if God and I met up for coffee, He would look at me the same way He did on the day I was born. I would think, "Oh, I bet you're thinking about the time I did this, or this time I said that, that hurt you..." but the reality is, when we ask God for forgiveness, it is done. You would ask him in the next moment, "So, are we cool about that?" and he would say, "About what?" It's as if it never happened- because God's will to love us, and His promise to continue to is that great. It overcomes sin- it overcomes everything. We do more than cheat ourselves when we replace the sin God has just removed by holding grudges against ourselves. We look directly in the face of God and say, "you're not right about me." Trust me- He is.

We routinely see ourselves as that kid that lied to their parents about the twenty dollars suddenly missing from the car, or the woman who cheated on her husband, who acted in anger against her children, who did this, who did that- who killed a man, who ran away from life, blah, blah, blah. But guess what- it doesn't matter what you've done wrong. We're all sinners! We're all just as bad as the next. What matters- is what you've done right, and why you did it. Asking for forgiveness, and working in a spirit of self correction, reflection and growth are certainly huge among these things you can do well by, and God so loves all of that. (Especially when He's the center of it!) Many of the greatest, world changing, peace making people had substantial faults and big struggles- they were the same. It was not what they did wrong- but what they did right that changed us. And changed them.

I am infinitely better at loving myself, appreciating myself and letting go of the things I have done- but there is more room to be made in my heart for that. There always will be. I wont fully understand until I meet Him again, but I am going to come as close I can before that time. God helps me- by blessing me in the healthy areas of my life, and helping, like a sweet Father, to steer me away from those things that hurt me, that make me lose the essence of myself. (Thankyou, Jesus.) When I begin to feel down on myself, or that I am inadequate, or insufficient, I recall the way I feel when I am trying to show someone else how beautiful, how talented, and how smart they are- and they just aren't getting it. The feeling I have when I am heartbroken by how they do not see their own beauty, their own prowess, their own destiny and their own strength; when I am standing before them and shaking my head with a smile that means, "you don't have a clue." (You'll see it one day, I always think- and I pray for it.) It's in those moments that I realize how God must feel with me sometimes. Even more intensely. I believe I am right about these people, those that I sit down with and explain their awesomeness, and when I feel God's sweet opinion of me, I have to trust that He must be right and move in it. If I can be right about someone I have been lucky enough to meet and discover on this Earth, God must be right too- seeing as He created me and knows me better than anyone, and- oh yeah- He's FAR more in tune with this sort of thing than I am. Part of how He knows us better is that He knows us only in truth, while we have to learn how to find the reality in a world of deception.

Does this mean we should walk around "acting perfect"? No. Doesn't change anything about the need to be humble- in fact, I think it breeds humility. When I see myself the way God sees me, it magnifies His grace and His incredible nature- and I am so aware of how I am no one, and yet, to Him, I am everything. It's a wonderful chain reaction. All at once, I get to know myself, and my Father even better- and I begin to change and stride forward. My faith is given good soil in which to grow. With God, there is no backwards momentum. "Backwards" was a word invented on Earth in order to keep ourselves stuck, depressed, alienated and discouraged so that we, perhaps, would never understand the concept of how God works- but of course, we invented it with the best intentions. Luckily, the Kingdom only works in forwards, so when you step on that train, the old life burns away. In order to know who you really are, you have to have a date with God and asks Him what He sees. Even if there is great, hard work to be done in you, you will still be His child. You will still be the light in His eyes. WE are His will! (How cool is that?) We are heirs, and yet peasants- blessed beyond anything on Earth, and asked to lead incredible lives. Read the story of your life, objectively, without any thought of how you have sinned, or of how you feel about yourself currently. Look at all you have done- and how Christ has been with you through every step of the journey-- actively love every piece of it, hang on every turn; your successes and your falls. This is your piece of God's story. This is your life. Be yourself, forgive yourself, and LOVE yourself. In other words, be blessed.

Hey God, Pass the Salt, Dude.

I know a lot of Christians that have a prayer ritual- that is to say, they have an allotted time, like as soon as they get out of bed, every day, that they reserve for God. Don't get me wrong, for some people, this is perfect- this charges them up, and it gets them in the zone to keep talking to God all day. Some people prefer to pray in groups, some alone- some aloud, some silently... some in the dark, some in the light, some through song, and some through art. It's awesome, and at times overwhelming, all the various ways that God gives us to worship Him and communicate with Him. For us humans, this love of versitality, is our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. Sometimes when we have so many options, we forget what the point is. We don't always remember what it is we are actually doing.

In talking with people of various faiths, it's unanimous. Prayer get's stale, they say. Prayer becomes a habit, something that is uncomfortable, or doesn't seem to inspire anything- no intimacy, no need for more, no results. I would say it is rare to find someone who has not felt that way about prayer at some point in their lives. I know I felt that way when I was first starting out on my journey. I would fall to my knees, and think- no... that's not quite right. I would nervously choose my words, hoping to say everything just as He would want me to say it. No one really explained what prayer was to me, so I went along doing what I thought was the right thing, and wondering why I felt like a cardboard cut out talking to an illusive King through a cup and wire phone set. What changed for me, was when I started talking to God casually- the way I would talk to a friend; to my Father. Through this very bumbly process, He taught me what the point was.

Learning how to do that, talk to God as if He is right beside you, is so important. My struggle in the beginning was that I felt He was far away. I was forgetting that He takes residence in me, that He is with me in all things. Prayer, for me now, is constant communication- and not always well composed and beautiful. A lot of times it's silly and weird, or it's whatever I feel a need to say- in the shower, in the grocery store, in the car with the windows down, with my husband, at a coffee shop with a guitarist playing- anywhere and everywhere. Even if we are not speaking in words, I am talking to Him, and He is right beside me- and extension of myself, a companion I am not worthy enough to have. Is there power in organized prayer and in all prayer, period? Yes, absolutely. But the point of prayer is not power, not miracles, NOT results--- it is only relationship. The beauty is, I believe, it is very much for us. God KNOWS us, through and through- every bit of our mind and body, He made. But we- do we know God like that? Certainly no, and not automatically. Prayer exists so we can get to know Him. That's oodles better than a cup and wire phone.

This communication is so much of the way that He plugs in to us and feeds us with His spirit. Speak to God as if He is here, as if you know every wrinkle in His face and the feel of His hands- as if you love Him, and you respect Him and you enjoy Him. Like many things we consider biblical enigmas, we over complicate them, we misunderstand them- but prayer is one holy mystery that we can wrap our heads around and count on. We can take that with us where ever we go, and thank God for it! It is the foundation of our Faith, and the water of our World- a river with no water can bear no life, and a house with no foundation cannot stand for long.

The Importance of Praises

No matter when!

Sing His praises! They are to be the brazen bellows of wood, fire and steel from the throats of men- and yet, the softest coo, the sweetest song, in the heart of God.

This came to me this morning- and I want to share what it means to me...To praise God, boldly and unabashedly, is so imperative- not just in deepening your appreciation and your capacity to love, but God teaches us great things through our praise. He teaches us what is truly important- and he dims the dramatic needs and wants we place in such high priority as people, and shows us that He does provide precisely what we need. Those moments, where we realize we are take care of, are freeing. They make us brave in our faith, they make us vulnerably honest with Him- and in return, He gives us such wisdom! SUCH wisdom that we are forever changed, our heart's radically moved and our need for Him ever stronger. The important thing- the most important thing- is to continually praise Him, when one would say you have nothing to be thankful for.

The story of how I came to Williamsburg isn't a story that I generally share. It was heartbreaking- and it was cruel.. and of course, for the next several months, life got no easier. I had been left with nothing... no car, no car insurance, no health insurance, no money, no film school I had been ferociously working towards, no sense of anything anymore. And I was literally dying. All of these things, were taken from me- and I had done nothing to merit it. My whole life had been lined up- and now there was nothing. As far as how I felt toward God, I wasn't angry. He didn't directly do these things, and I didn't believe it was Him who made me as sick as I was- and blaming Him, in my mind, had always been pointless... but I certainly wasn't praising Him. I was very ill, I was broke- and there seemed to be absolutely no hope for me. In a way, I was mentally preparing on that night for death. I just didn't see, anymore, how my life could recover. I was numb- and I was destroyed. I had no one I could trust.

That night, a gorgeous storm rolled in- and I sat on my porch, slowly sipping a stiff drink. The rain came down in sheets, deafening beautiful waves. As I watched that first rolling, thunderous lightning bolt flash across the sky in the distance, I could not help but think of how awesome the bare world was. I thought, "Even the lightning worships him. Even the storm." Three more huge bolts rocked the sky, and although I was alone on the balcony, I smiled wide and laughed. I laughed! The me who five minutes before was convinced that a sad and early death was on its way, was laughing. Because I didn't fear death anymore. I didn't want for anything anymore. The only thing I could think was, "Even if I have no where to go, and I sleep in the woods tonight, I am safe, my soul is God's- and there is nothing that can be taken from me, that He does not already have for me." I praised Him for the air, for the water, for the very essence of the earth as if I had never seen it before- As if my eyes had never seen a thing.

The thunder crashed out again and shook the building ferociously, and to me, it sounded as a hearty laugh, a joyous gesture. God knows how much I adore thunder storms- their power, and their beauty. I suddenly understood- He had already protected me, my whole life, and now, in the midst of this mayhem, he was promising to do it again. The thunder and lightning was his voice, asking me, "Do you believe in me?" And oh, did I ever fall on my knees and say, YES.

I had no idea how my life was about to change. That was two years ago- barely. If you had told me that night that I would be married to the man of my life, free from pain and from self loathing, from a lifetime of abuse, from destructive people and forces that nearly killed me, from disease that was eating my flesh- and with child in a womb that was decreed years ago to be infertile, I likely would have stopped laughing. My heart wouldn't have believed that a future like that was meant for me. But that storm was the beginning of a new chapter- of a new transformation- and He allowed it to be so, because my faith praised Him.

The things of this world, which so frequently bend us wildly out of shape, are nothing, They are dust, they are tiny, insignificant, they are trite- what is everything, is God's presence, His teaching, His love- and His truth. There is never anything that can keep these things from being bright in our lives, other than our own indifference to the miracle of everyday. Praise is what frees us from turmoil- it is what lifts us up above war, and allows us to see even the ugliest of things as God sees them, with God's hope and God's light. Never stop being thankful, never give in to the darkness of doubt- question, but do not live in disbelief.

In the pinnacle moment, God will send you your thunderstorm. He will awaken your heart and change the course of your life- and the reason why is because He promised to. This is one promise you can keep close, and you can count on.

Words

I have been spending a lot of time looking through some of my classic, favorite bible quotes. I could spend a great deal of time writing about these individually, but today I will simply present them as they are! They are so perfect by themselves. Here are a few, enjoy!

"Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and healthy to the bones."
Proverbs 16:24

"But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear."
Matthew 13:16

"Always be joyful."

2 Thess. 5:16

"...Love comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."
1 Timothy 1:5

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
I John. IV. 18

"Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
1 John 3:18

"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."
1 Corinthians 10:24

"As a face reflects in water, so the heart reflects the real person."
Proverbs 27:19