Its hard for me not too wonder why "it seems" as if things break around me more than other people. Why the people who have left me here, have left me at all, and especially when they did. Why certain people do, and did, certain things.... I don't ask why of any higher power, I ask why of myself. And possibly of you. Possibly of everyone.
Memories are eating my brain. I can't shut them off, I can't turn them down. I am having the hardest time comprehending regular things- where I was, where I am. If the sensations are real- or if they even were once. I think the problem is you can't out think pain when it's out of your head but buried in your heart. Bizarre.
Struggling.
But then that means I am still afloat- at least a bit. Otherwise, I'd just be sinking all together.
I'm asking why NOW. I am safe for the first time in my life- and here, in this sanctuary, is where I am beginning to unravel. Maybe that's it... maybe that's why. Because I am safe. I have everything I have been asking for, praying for- and I am too much of a shadow to hold it.
Even so, there are demons in my blood- and I am all but sick and tired of listening to them howl, of hearing them whisper to each other. I am more than this. I am more than these things that have befallen me. I must be. I am.
Just being around people is getting unpredictable. Things are not what they should be. Or, is there really such a thing?
I don't know much of anything anymore. My mind goes off like an alarm over the strangest things- colors, sights, sounds, things that begin to draw out this deeper enigma of myself, this past of mine I cannot recall. And that is likely best- considering the memories I do keep. This is a new haunting, from the darker depths that are hidden and masked, but those things which are naked on the surface have been chasing me for my entire life.
I am hunted.
This is who I am.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Running the Mile
I had a ritual when I was a child. Every time there was a thunderstorm, I would dart out of the house and run through the sheets of water, until I could hardly breathe, and I could only stop and turn my face up to the stormy clouds. I was free to be myself there- because I knew that no one else would be on the streets with me- on account of the dangerous weather. The heavy rain was baptism- this beautiful putting on of God, and washing away of all other things. Thunder pulled up all of the heavy burdens I carried, like the roots of deep grown weeds. I was invincible here, and loved- as the lightning always chose to hit a different place than where I stood. She never had any intention of sinking my ship. We were like sisters, the rain and I.
For years, in the hot summers when things often seemed their worst in our house, this was my only saving grace. This is the act that kept me safe, that kept me balanced and ordinary- that gave me the most enveloping peace. I was nothing and everything, somewhere and nowhere, all at once and not at all... I felt like a creature in the woods, always taken care of and given a land of plenty.
My grandfather often left me alone to go to his favorite bar while my mother was hours away at work, sometimes for days at a time. He knew I was used to being alone- and that I was self sufficient in most things, even at nine and a half. I was tough, and if I wasn't tough enough, he was determined to get me there. This afternoon in mid July was no different really. I had been alone all day and up until the last hour, had managed to keep myself busy. Now, both my dog and I were bored- so we had resorted to a backyard game of fetch, throwing smoldering, cloudy dirt up on to each other during our ridiculous zig-zag play fights. I threw the ball hard, and awkwardly, in to the fence- and as it bounced back we could race each other to see who was first to the catch. He preferred my company, and I preferred his, above anyone else's. He never bit me, and I never bit him. We did not have that with anyone else.
On likely the 300th throw, I lobbed my arm back and hurled it down the length of the fence, aiming for the corner. It always made for an interesting bounce-back, as you were never quite sure where physics would send it. Well, today, physics sent that ball back over the fence so fast I could hardly understand where it went- and neither could my dog. Over the fence he went, only looking back for a moment to see if I was going to follow. Panic struck in- there was no way I was going to get him back, and I couldn't blame him if he ran away. He wouldn't have blamed me if I had, but then again, I would have taken him with me. Really, I wasn't upset that he was over the fence, but that I wasn't over the fence with him.
"Jake!" I yelled hoarsely over and over, reaching the fence and climbing over just in time to hear his paws taking him away. "Jake!" I yelled again- this time a long drawn out scream in to the front yard, where there was no dog to be seen. My heart sank. Maybe I would never see him again.
Jake came hauling around the corner toward me, and he stopped short on his front paws. He stood up tall on his haunches and whined for me to drop myself over. Thunder clapped out- and he gave me that playful puppy face which suggested some strange understanding between he and I. He knew my ritual, and he wanted to be part of it. He barked and I smiled fully.
Over the fence I went, and we ran, and ran, and ran- well through the neighborhood, through the woods, down the creek. He jumped this way and that, sometimes doubling back for a moment with a great expulsion of energy and mud. No doors opened. No one asked questions. We both grew tired and flopped down in to a great puddle in the street, wrestling this way and that, his wet curly fur smearing across my arms and legs. In our abandonment we had the most enjoyment. In our desire for freedom we won it.
I am almost certain that is the closest to heaven that he or I have ever been.
What I need in my life is more of this. Don't we all?
For years, in the hot summers when things often seemed their worst in our house, this was my only saving grace. This is the act that kept me safe, that kept me balanced and ordinary- that gave me the most enveloping peace. I was nothing and everything, somewhere and nowhere, all at once and not at all... I felt like a creature in the woods, always taken care of and given a land of plenty.
My grandfather often left me alone to go to his favorite bar while my mother was hours away at work, sometimes for days at a time. He knew I was used to being alone- and that I was self sufficient in most things, even at nine and a half. I was tough, and if I wasn't tough enough, he was determined to get me there. This afternoon in mid July was no different really. I had been alone all day and up until the last hour, had managed to keep myself busy. Now, both my dog and I were bored- so we had resorted to a backyard game of fetch, throwing smoldering, cloudy dirt up on to each other during our ridiculous zig-zag play fights. I threw the ball hard, and awkwardly, in to the fence- and as it bounced back we could race each other to see who was first to the catch. He preferred my company, and I preferred his, above anyone else's. He never bit me, and I never bit him. We did not have that with anyone else.
On likely the 300th throw, I lobbed my arm back and hurled it down the length of the fence, aiming for the corner. It always made for an interesting bounce-back, as you were never quite sure where physics would send it. Well, today, physics sent that ball back over the fence so fast I could hardly understand where it went- and neither could my dog. Over the fence he went, only looking back for a moment to see if I was going to follow. Panic struck in- there was no way I was going to get him back, and I couldn't blame him if he ran away. He wouldn't have blamed me if I had, but then again, I would have taken him with me. Really, I wasn't upset that he was over the fence, but that I wasn't over the fence with him.
"Jake!" I yelled hoarsely over and over, reaching the fence and climbing over just in time to hear his paws taking him away. "Jake!" I yelled again- this time a long drawn out scream in to the front yard, where there was no dog to be seen. My heart sank. Maybe I would never see him again.
Jake came hauling around the corner toward me, and he stopped short on his front paws. He stood up tall on his haunches and whined for me to drop myself over. Thunder clapped out- and he gave me that playful puppy face which suggested some strange understanding between he and I. He knew my ritual, and he wanted to be part of it. He barked and I smiled fully.
Over the fence I went, and we ran, and ran, and ran- well through the neighborhood, through the woods, down the creek. He jumped this way and that, sometimes doubling back for a moment with a great expulsion of energy and mud. No doors opened. No one asked questions. We both grew tired and flopped down in to a great puddle in the street, wrestling this way and that, his wet curly fur smearing across my arms and legs. In our abandonment we had the most enjoyment. In our desire for freedom we won it.
I am almost certain that is the closest to heaven that he or I have ever been.
What I need in my life is more of this. Don't we all?
Friday, August 7, 2009
Next Tattoo and Other Things
It is so wonderful- but so DIFFICULT- to go to heaven for a week and then come back. Half of me is here- but not all of me. So much more to come later. But, for now- I wrote a verse this week that will be my next tattoo. This came to me in the middle of a tune- and I literally felt so overwhelmed by it that I stopped the jam session, scribbled it out and knew it was not my own.
What strikes me more than the heart's trap door,
Or the marble floors within it-
Are the secrets held and the likeness dwelled,
When a tune is set upon it.
:) I love that place. More to come, more to come! Time to work. (BLAH!) ;)
What strikes me more than the heart's trap door,
Or the marble floors within it-
Are the secrets held and the likeness dwelled,
When a tune is set upon it.
:) I love that place. More to come, more to come! Time to work. (BLAH!) ;)
Friday, July 17, 2009
Heavy Heart
Oh my God- I am petrified. I am tired, through and through.
These words of struggle are not for you, God. But please, do listen.
I am so thoroughly torn in my methods of understanding. I know that certain events occur in one's life- in every life, for that matter- that shape their path, their ways and their world. I am at a point of frustration- beyond frustration. I am bursting at the seems with heart ache and grief, attacked by panic and isolation- and I don't want my cognitive state to remain this way anymore. I am shackled by my past and my memories, and ever so with every movement I make that draws me closer to my Christ. That is the way of things- and I know this.
I have never struggled so long with the "why-s" in life. Why something has happened, why someone has left, why someone has come along... When it comes to the workings of the Creator, I rarely delve in to such questions. I would spend my whole life in quest of those answers if I allowed them to overwhelm me in such a way. Instead, I focus on the issue at hand, that are given me- "What do I do now?" Do I keep moving, or fall privy to stagnancy? These are the questions that matter- and I struggle more with them than anything else. But even those questions are becoming difficult to understand.
What I don't know,
Is if I am going to be able to hold it together for my Lord... If I am strong enough to take this beating without it killing me, turning me, taking me. Without it making me a disgrace.
Please understand.
I am terrified that this world, this life, this immense sea of horrid, wrenching pain that I cannot seem to drain, that infects my slumber, my consciousness, my health, my heart- that which I carry with me as the fountain of my life's dealings, is going to swell in to a torrent that I cannot contain, and drown me. Insanity is on my heels at every turn- she follows me... the option to give in to the shadows and rationalize my sinful desires is constantly cooing, to turn completely from Faith and God- and run in to the body of my sorrows... even in moments of sparkling clarity- and complete connection to Christ, these fears, attached so fiercely to my real life torture, stand on the outside of that divinity, eagerly waiting to burst in through unsuspecting doors, tapping its forked tail on tiled floor with slow burning contentment.
My Lord, I am not angry with you. I do not question your logic, your developed plan... My message is not for you. It is for him; the great betrayer, who lives below you in his kingdom of fear and depravity; the one who has taken all that I have lost.
WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Standing outside of my every turn, my every thought, peering in,
As if YOU are God!
As if you are as important as He...
I am not the disillusioned one;
As much as you try to convince!
Even as sharply as you devour and destroy
He creates thrice what you tempt
And thrice what you bleed your sins upon!
What do you expect to gain, I wonder,
From the thwarting of my soul?
You work so passionately to break me
But with every hand you lay down
You simply gain your fate.
What will be your fate?
(Sometimes I wonder if you know.)
Certainly not a pardon from Christ-
Who will send his strongest in countless numbers
To slay you
Upon the funeral of I
His child.
You, Satan, who has no children,
Who has no one to love-
And to love you
How can you possibly expect to win this fight?
Against the one who knows all
Who created
And once loved
Even you?
The War is raging,
Demon King
And no matter how hard I may fall
In all my weak humanity, and broken heart;
From my Holy Father,
Never to return,
No matter-
This reality is already set in motion.
Do count on this promise.
In that final battle,
Upon that molten field of rubble-
Where the lakes of blood flow in countless gallons-
I will seal your fate.
Even if I am set upon with demon's horns
Instead of lean, satin wings
Those wings that should have been mine,
Since the beginning of time,
It will make no difference.
Even if I stand as one of yours,
A demon, a temptress, a murderer and walker of darkness,
I will be there.
And in that final moment,
As the last sunset on earth begs to sink-
I will find you.
And I will run that iron sword,
That great equalizer,
Through your hatred breeding heart,
Myself.
Standing outside of my every turn, my every thought, peering in,
As if YOU are God!
As if you are as important as He...
I am not the disillusioned one;
As much as you try to convince!
Even as sharply as you devour and destroy
He creates thrice what you tempt
And thrice what you bleed your sins upon!
What do you expect to gain, I wonder,
From the thwarting of my soul?
You work so passionately to break me
But with every hand you lay down
You simply gain your fate.
What will be your fate?
(Sometimes I wonder if you know.)
Certainly not a pardon from Christ-
Who will send his strongest in countless numbers
To slay you
Upon the funeral of I
His child.
You, Satan, who has no children,
Who has no one to love-
And to love you
How can you possibly expect to win this fight?
Against the one who knows all
Who created
And once loved
Even you?
The War is raging,
Demon King
And no matter how hard I may fall
In all my weak humanity, and broken heart;
From my Holy Father,
Never to return,
No matter-
This reality is already set in motion.
Do count on this promise.
In that final battle,
Upon that molten field of rubble-
Where the lakes of blood flow in countless gallons-
I will seal your fate.
Even if I am set upon with demon's horns
Instead of lean, satin wings
Those wings that should have been mine,
Since the beginning of time,
It will make no difference.
Even if I stand as one of yours,
A demon, a temptress, a murderer and walker of darkness,
I will be there.
And in that final moment,
As the last sunset on earth begs to sink-
I will find you.
And I will run that iron sword,
That great equalizer,
Through your hatred breeding heart,
Myself.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
God in the Lover
Time is of limited importance here
Where infinity meets rational love-
In the midst of a troubled world, full of humility and despair...
I yearn to stand before God and thank Him for you,
Praise him for you,
In the best and most wondersome way I know how.
I vow to love you when the seas have gone dry
And the mountains have wept-
When all is but an inkling of forefathers, a blinking eye unseen,
I will stand with you.
Beside you-
A part of you;
As the will of Light decrees it.
Even in the deepest beating, the most serious of endeavors,
Or the most lighthearted distractions of sweet, unbelievable joy-
You complete me...
There is nothing else.
- Me, on the most amazing man in my life.
Love is the most searched for, agonized over, bled over, intangible, tangible thing the world has ever known. Think of what you have done in your personal life for love- either in attempts to keep it, or preserve it- or perhaps create it in someone out of desperation; in hopes of life long happiness, of being fixed. We have all done it, on some scale, and at some point- and many of us, if not all of us, are going to do it time and time again. But when we hit it right- when we really look in to the heart of the Universe, of our creator and his creation, and fall in love for all the right reasons, in the right moment- you have what many call, "true love"- and that certainly is an accurate description. We are all different in what we want and what we need, when it comes to the specifics of the vague translation that love takes in our lives. When those baser needs, those most basic of functions, desires and wishes are met, we identify this as love; falling in love, being in love, loving someone, being loved. But- when this love, when these needs, transcend rational likelihood; finding that perfect match, that completing side, that person who carries you without question, who walks with you in every area of your life, fearless and devout to you, and the union between you, that takes on a whole new breath. You unite with this person, and the old you cannot help but be made better and it cannot help but be fulfilled- because you are being blessed in the most tremendous fashion, in the most unbelievable way. It is in this moment that you know, down in your deepest depths, that God loves you enough to take the time to create this person to walk beside you, to give you your chance encounter, or your perfect meeting- and he could have easily forgotten you, or ignored you, beneath the roar of an angry, bitter world, screaming for his attention.
The best relationship advice I ever got was from my stepfather. "Keep God in the cross hairs of your relationships, especially when you find your soul mate- because they WILL be taken from you. Death comes for us all, and all of our actions have consequences. God replaces these things with love." My mother is his 3rd marriage, and he is her 4th. It is as if there has been no one before in their lives. They are made new again in the transference of such a love.
How amazing.
Where infinity meets rational love-
In the midst of a troubled world, full of humility and despair...
I yearn to stand before God and thank Him for you,
Praise him for you,
In the best and most wondersome way I know how.
I vow to love you when the seas have gone dry
And the mountains have wept-
When all is but an inkling of forefathers, a blinking eye unseen,
I will stand with you.
Beside you-
A part of you;
As the will of Light decrees it.
Even in the deepest beating, the most serious of endeavors,
Or the most lighthearted distractions of sweet, unbelievable joy-
You complete me...
There is nothing else.
- Me, on the most amazing man in my life.
Love is the most searched for, agonized over, bled over, intangible, tangible thing the world has ever known. Think of what you have done in your personal life for love- either in attempts to keep it, or preserve it- or perhaps create it in someone out of desperation; in hopes of life long happiness, of being fixed. We have all done it, on some scale, and at some point- and many of us, if not all of us, are going to do it time and time again. But when we hit it right- when we really look in to the heart of the Universe, of our creator and his creation, and fall in love for all the right reasons, in the right moment- you have what many call, "true love"- and that certainly is an accurate description. We are all different in what we want and what we need, when it comes to the specifics of the vague translation that love takes in our lives. When those baser needs, those most basic of functions, desires and wishes are met, we identify this as love; falling in love, being in love, loving someone, being loved. But- when this love, when these needs, transcend rational likelihood; finding that perfect match, that completing side, that person who carries you without question, who walks with you in every area of your life, fearless and devout to you, and the union between you, that takes on a whole new breath. You unite with this person, and the old you cannot help but be made better and it cannot help but be fulfilled- because you are being blessed in the most tremendous fashion, in the most unbelievable way. It is in this moment that you know, down in your deepest depths, that God loves you enough to take the time to create this person to walk beside you, to give you your chance encounter, or your perfect meeting- and he could have easily forgotten you, or ignored you, beneath the roar of an angry, bitter world, screaming for his attention.
The best relationship advice I ever got was from my stepfather. "Keep God in the cross hairs of your relationships, especially when you find your soul mate- because they WILL be taken from you. Death comes for us all, and all of our actions have consequences. God replaces these things with love." My mother is his 3rd marriage, and he is her 4th. It is as if there has been no one before in their lives. They are made new again in the transference of such a love.
How amazing.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Independence Day
There is little more unnerving and disturbing while totally necessary, and divine, then moving forward and letting go. Life allows us many options, even though as human beings, we desire to believe that is simply not the case. I cannot count the number of times someone has spoken to me, "But- I don't have a choice. I have run out of options." If that is how you feel, then you have run out of brains. Remember yourself! You are an individual- bestowed with a thousand precious moments, and a thousand precious gifts. Do not sacrifice yourself to less important principles; people come and go, seconds tick by if you are here or not. You cannot make up for lost time. What is it that you cannot accomplish when you truly see the world in this perspective?
Which brings me to my next stop...
How many of us, as lost people, as found people, as infants and elders, walk around this world with so much grief and so much anguish that was never meant to be ours? How many of us say that we have "forgiven" when those same forgiven events, linked like a starving, malicious dog to a dying elm- keep us so hopelessly awake at night? I am suspended in a sense of awe at how much pressure the world CAN hold over us. (Notice how I do not use the word "does".) Why allow such a dismantled, confused and rotten place to hold YOU to a standard of conduct- to trick you in to living a certain way, in to living a double life and swimming idly in a fester of double standards? It is the belief that, in this world, a man can walk on both sides. He won't be caught, he won't be stopped... but, that too is such a dripping lie. Everyone has to answer someone, and every one, no matter what, is dust to dust and ashes to ashes. Can there be any greater hypocrisy than to believe that the rules of the universe, of man and of God, do not apply to you?
What I mean is, the "world" is not moral. She does not care for your reasons, or your excuses- there is only pushes and pulls, actions and reactions. The "world" is not understanding, compassionate, forgiving, healthy or loving. Those are things that we as people hope to breed between each other; within families, communities and (so often forgotten) in our OWN hearts. This dream, this desire and need to fix the windshield of the world requires the utmost sacrifice imaginable- the cutting of ties, the constant expenditure of energy, and the complete willingness to listen to voices so much quieter than yours, for they are the whisperings of your calling and the wisdom that should belong to you. It requires complete surrender to the higher calling... and this does not make you any less important, in fact, it swells your validity and worth to a tremendous measure. (Isn't that what sin and deception feeds on? The human need to feel important?) When you stop living for you, and begin to live for betterment, for justice and for divinity- suddenly, you are something more. Even on this plane, so diseased and lost, that fact is universal.
This Indepenence Day, was the first of true Independence.
Which brings me to my next stop...
How many of us, as lost people, as found people, as infants and elders, walk around this world with so much grief and so much anguish that was never meant to be ours? How many of us say that we have "forgiven" when those same forgiven events, linked like a starving, malicious dog to a dying elm- keep us so hopelessly awake at night? I am suspended in a sense of awe at how much pressure the world CAN hold over us. (Notice how I do not use the word "does".) Why allow such a dismantled, confused and rotten place to hold YOU to a standard of conduct- to trick you in to living a certain way, in to living a double life and swimming idly in a fester of double standards? It is the belief that, in this world, a man can walk on both sides. He won't be caught, he won't be stopped... but, that too is such a dripping lie. Everyone has to answer someone, and every one, no matter what, is dust to dust and ashes to ashes. Can there be any greater hypocrisy than to believe that the rules of the universe, of man and of God, do not apply to you?
What I mean is, the "world" is not moral. She does not care for your reasons, or your excuses- there is only pushes and pulls, actions and reactions. The "world" is not understanding, compassionate, forgiving, healthy or loving. Those are things that we as people hope to breed between each other; within families, communities and (so often forgotten) in our OWN hearts. This dream, this desire and need to fix the windshield of the world requires the utmost sacrifice imaginable- the cutting of ties, the constant expenditure of energy, and the complete willingness to listen to voices so much quieter than yours, for they are the whisperings of your calling and the wisdom that should belong to you. It requires complete surrender to the higher calling... and this does not make you any less important, in fact, it swells your validity and worth to a tremendous measure. (Isn't that what sin and deception feeds on? The human need to feel important?) When you stop living for you, and begin to live for betterment, for justice and for divinity- suddenly, you are something more. Even on this plane, so diseased and lost, that fact is universal.
This Indepenence Day, was the first of true Independence.
A Poem to the Dead
Composed May 2, 2003- recently re-discovered during the move. This poem has always stuck with me, and I consider it one of my personal favorites that I have composed. Enjoy!
"My Majesty!", The Jester said, "I see the Princess running down the hall!-
She sings of books, of life, and love and makes no sense at all!-
Up until this day she has spoken not a word,
But now she twirls, she wails and flails-
It simply is ubsurd!"
"My Jester," said the Queen so trite, "I fear you are mistaken!-
My sweet princess would not be by inspiration overtaken!
She is a prim and proper Princess, as perfect as can be,
Open that door and look again- someone else you'll see!"
"My Queen," the King said softly, beneath his beard of gray,
"Our daughter is and always was just as she is today.
She runs and writes in to the night,
And yells the day to fled!
But you, my dear, have never heard-
Because your soul is dead."
"My Majesty!", The Jester said, "I see the Princess running down the hall!-
She sings of books, of life, and love and makes no sense at all!-
Up until this day she has spoken not a word,
But now she twirls, she wails and flails-
It simply is ubsurd!"
"My Jester," said the Queen so trite, "I fear you are mistaken!-
My sweet princess would not be by inspiration overtaken!
She is a prim and proper Princess, as perfect as can be,
Open that door and look again- someone else you'll see!"
"My Queen," the King said softly, beneath his beard of gray,
"Our daughter is and always was just as she is today.
She runs and writes in to the night,
And yells the day to fled!
But you, my dear, have never heard-
Because your soul is dead."
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