Oh my God- I am petrified. I am tired, through and through.
These words of struggle are not for you, God. But please, do listen.
I am so thoroughly torn in my methods of understanding. I know that certain events occur in one's life- in every life, for that matter- that shape their path, their ways and their world. I am at a point of frustration- beyond frustration. I am bursting at the seems with heart ache and grief, attacked by panic and isolation- and I don't want my cognitive state to remain this way anymore. I am shackled by my past and my memories, and ever so with every movement I make that draws me closer to my Christ. That is the way of things- and I know this.
I have never struggled so long with the "why-s" in life. Why something has happened, why someone has left, why someone has come along... When it comes to the workings of the Creator, I rarely delve in to such questions. I would spend my whole life in quest of those answers if I allowed them to overwhelm me in such a way. Instead, I focus on the issue at hand, that are given me- "What do I do now?" Do I keep moving, or fall privy to stagnancy? These are the questions that matter- and I struggle more with them than anything else. But even those questions are becoming difficult to understand.
What I don't know,
Is if I am going to be able to hold it together for my Lord... If I am strong enough to take this beating without it killing me, turning me, taking me. Without it making me a disgrace.
Please understand.
I am terrified that this world, this life, this immense sea of horrid, wrenching pain that I cannot seem to drain, that infects my slumber, my consciousness, my health, my heart- that which I carry with me as the fountain of my life's dealings, is going to swell in to a torrent that I cannot contain, and drown me. Insanity is on my heels at every turn- she follows me... the option to give in to the shadows and rationalize my sinful desires is constantly cooing, to turn completely from Faith and God- and run in to the body of my sorrows... even in moments of sparkling clarity- and complete connection to Christ, these fears, attached so fiercely to my real life torture, stand on the outside of that divinity, eagerly waiting to burst in through unsuspecting doors, tapping its forked tail on tiled floor with slow burning contentment.
My Lord, I am not angry with you. I do not question your logic, your developed plan... My message is not for you. It is for him; the great betrayer, who lives below you in his kingdom of fear and depravity; the one who has taken all that I have lost.
WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Standing outside of my every turn, my every thought, peering in,
As if YOU are God!
As if you are as important as He...
I am not the disillusioned one;
As much as you try to convince!
Even as sharply as you devour and destroy
He creates thrice what you tempt
And thrice what you bleed your sins upon!
What do you expect to gain, I wonder,
From the thwarting of my soul?
You work so passionately to break me
But with every hand you lay down
You simply gain your fate.
What will be your fate?
(Sometimes I wonder if you know.)
Certainly not a pardon from Christ-
Who will send his strongest in countless numbers
To slay you
Upon the funeral of I
His child.
You, Satan, who has no children,
Who has no one to love-
And to love you
How can you possibly expect to win this fight?
Against the one who knows all
Who created
And once loved
Even you?
The War is raging,
Demon King
And no matter how hard I may fall
In all my weak humanity, and broken heart;
From my Holy Father,
Never to return,
No matter-
This reality is already set in motion.
Do count on this promise.
In that final battle,
Upon that molten field of rubble-
Where the lakes of blood flow in countless gallons-
I will seal your fate.
Even if I am set upon with demon's horns
Instead of lean, satin wings
Those wings that should have been mine,
Since the beginning of time,
It will make no difference.
Even if I stand as one of yours,
A demon, a temptress, a murderer and walker of darkness,
I will be there.
And in that final moment,
As the last sunset on earth begs to sink-
I will find you.
And I will run that iron sword,
That great equalizer,
Through your hatred breeding heart,
Myself.
Standing outside of my every turn, my every thought, peering in,
As if YOU are God!
As if you are as important as He...
I am not the disillusioned one;
As much as you try to convince!
Even as sharply as you devour and destroy
He creates thrice what you tempt
And thrice what you bleed your sins upon!
What do you expect to gain, I wonder,
From the thwarting of my soul?
You work so passionately to break me
But with every hand you lay down
You simply gain your fate.
What will be your fate?
(Sometimes I wonder if you know.)
Certainly not a pardon from Christ-
Who will send his strongest in countless numbers
To slay you
Upon the funeral of I
His child.
You, Satan, who has no children,
Who has no one to love-
And to love you
How can you possibly expect to win this fight?
Against the one who knows all
Who created
And once loved
Even you?
The War is raging,
Demon King
And no matter how hard I may fall
In all my weak humanity, and broken heart;
From my Holy Father,
Never to return,
No matter-
This reality is already set in motion.
Do count on this promise.
In that final battle,
Upon that molten field of rubble-
Where the lakes of blood flow in countless gallons-
I will seal your fate.
Even if I am set upon with demon's horns
Instead of lean, satin wings
Those wings that should have been mine,
Since the beginning of time,
It will make no difference.
Even if I stand as one of yours,
A demon, a temptress, a murderer and walker of darkness,
I will be there.
And in that final moment,
As the last sunset on earth begs to sink-
I will find you.
And I will run that iron sword,
That great equalizer,
Through your hatred breeding heart,
Myself.
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