Thoughts over Coffee

I am working hard on realigning how I think of myself. Previously, I was seeing myself as attacked, a falling down of self, a partial crumbling- a shell of what I could have been if things had worked out differently; better, healthier, calmer. But now I am starting to TRUST that this is really in God's hands and this is heavy duty cleansingI am going through, not a breakdown. I have to be cleansed to make it to my destination. I have to drop the baggage to have the strength to carry the responsibilities I must carry as part of the body. I have a purpose, and my purpose is not to be bogged down by so much suffering. I need a forceful hand to dunk me under the river's peak and keep me there until I stop struggling and become lit aflame with life, just in time to remind me of how valuable I really am; to God.

I am trying not to be like this cat! (Yes, I am using this picture to make a point.) But also...

It's freakin' hilarious.

Anyway, so the acts of realigning my old views are going to be difficult. I am sure there will be times when I am beside myself with frustration, sorrow; who knows what else. As people it's totally easy to fall in to that "this is just how I am" mode... quickly forgetting that who we are, greatly depends on WHAT we are- and we have the power to change all of that. We always have options.

I have always embraced the theology and ideology that it is in the valleys that we grow, but I didn't realize, in any way shape or form, just how much I fought that growth process- and how often I stopped it with my choices; my need to be in control of myself, to be working out the kinks with my own hand. I told myself that God had the wheel- and a lot of the time he did, but not enough of the time to keep me on the tracks. One wheel would slide down and over, grinding in to the rocks and against the metal- and I thought that was as good as it got, that I was doing just fine. I neglected to realize that God also wants to work miracles in MY life- not just everyone elses'. He doesn't want me to be just a "survivor". He wants to give me a huge loving family, a perfect husband (well, as perfect as they can get!) a joyful, gorgeous existence- but it's not a gift he can give blindly. I have to LET him give that to me- and give up the idea that I am the world's whipping post. I never believed I was destined for anything more than that. It had to be true, that's the only way things had ever been. I've got to believe the dream.