Blessings Great and Small

Family is a subject I have spent a great deal of time meditating, writing and talking about- as a way to manufacture some sort of understanding of this separate animal. Family has been present in my life- not entirely absent, but also, broken and breached. This is a word that stirs a great amount of puzzlement in me; in some cases, a great amount of disappointment. There is also an immense sense of gratitude and pride- in appreciating where I hail from, and in loving this detached, wonderful bunch of people in the best way I can. To all of you who have decided to love me, and who have always been in my corner, I will never have the right words to say what this means to me. Sometimes the best family chooses you.

What this entry is about, is the new family that God is making for me. My husband's friends, our friends, are like brothers to him- and likewise to me. It fell upon me, in thinking of this last night, that if I were still holding on to the pain, and disappointment, of those who have failed as family before, how differently I would feel about the miracles He is presenting to me now. I would weep over this child, rather than celebrate its new life. I would pull away from these new people, who have all the potential to hurt, to change and to disappoint- but that chance means nothing to me now. How vastly empty this blessing would feel- but instead, it is like the perfect surprise that I never thought possible. The thing He is doing, they are great in how small they are. Appreciate every small thing, just as much as you would every long awaited, now answered prayer- and there is nothing to despair about.

Give to the Giver!

Humility is stillness that God works to create in us, so that we may be able to feel the beauty of his symphony. He wants this for us, so that we will desire more than anything to play side by side with our brothers and sisters. He wants this in us, so He can work through us, to affect and change the world we live in, to change the heart of the people we encounter and we love. Humility, though, is trickier than it seems. Humility is not only to serve, but to be served. And one MUST be gracious in doing both.

I was given an opportunity to be totally, uncomfortably served today- and I took it.

I have been, throughout my life, someone who has dreaded the idea of being helped, being given anything for free, or being in a position to have to ask for that. I was taught that this was weakness, that this was in some way sinful, to be in need, as it meant you were not wise enough, or strong enough on your own. Over time, I began to realize this was untrue, but continually struggled with the reflex reactions I had grown in to. Painstakingly, (for He and I) God has been delivering serious blows to this complex of mine, and showing me the complete necessity in being able to accept as well as give. You learn from both- and you experience so much of God's heart and hands when you assume both roles in their appropriate timing. To only give, or to only receive, is like taking only one class in a two part course- you are only half as educated as you should be.

So today, confronted with no money, no food, and three hungry bellies, I went to a food bank with a dear friend. My pregnant bump popped out to say hello, bringing lots of affectionate glances and waves from strangers, old and young alike. Throngs developed behind me, chatting and hugging, laughing an discussing what they were going to eat first. It took no time for me to feel one hundred percent at home in this arena of souls. There were chain smokers, people with leg braces, faces tattooed, pierced, scarred, overdone with an excess of make up, perfectly natural faces with a worn attractiveness to them; tight clothes, baggy clothes, great smells, terrible smells... and all in all, a realization began to wake in me. In this line of people, with empty bags, standing in the pouring rain, starved and exhausted, there was laughter. REAL laughter. Sincerity. There was joy. There was reality, honesty and a LOT of humility. We were hungry, yes, but we passed food down to others, asked before taking the last and we celebrated over what we were given that day, and all the days before that. There was more life and happiness in our line of tired, chancy circumstances than there has EVER been in any well-stocked Walmart line. Why? Because we were family, in the way we should always be, due to our common need. Being in need, creates a NEED to love, a need to give back and a need to celebrate what has been given- when God is in the spotlight and when humility has been learned.

Many, many times, I have been the person delivering food to hungry hands. I have been the hungry one far more than once, but never before had I allowed anyone to serve me so completely in this way. I have gotten better at accepting a gift here and there, but never from complete strangers, never from people I didn't know well, and contacted often. The lesson I finally learned today is that neediness is not weakness It builds faith, understanding between people, and makes us understand better HOW to give. It teaches us WHY to give, where to give, when to give, and to do it without show, with love and with intention. It teaches us the holiness of this commandment God has for us, to be servants, and allows us better embrace His universal understanding. A stranger who loves you is no less your brother or your sister than your best friend.

Experience God's music. Wait for your solo, but don't be a soloist.

I Will...

Love unconditionally.

I think this is a term that many of us have little to no grasp on. The reason? Well, we're human, and nothing in the average human life is unconditional, especially in regards to how our world operates. You don't, generally, have a guaranteed job for as long as you want or need it, money fluctuates up and down, we lose our houses, people desert us, or we desert them. Families fall apart, true love seems so rare, apprehension and fear are more common than courage and excitement. In short, there are very few guarantees in our mortal life, and those things which are guaranteed, such as death, we are taught to avoid, and to fear. The runner up phobia to public speaking, is the fear of dying alone, or being totally and completely forgotten after death. For many, this is a definition of what their minds think of, every day. They focus on what they fear. They focus on running and staying ahead of the rest.

So what does it mean to love unconditionally? The common answer would be, to love someone no matter what. To love, in spite of all differences, in spite of all adversity- no matter what happens. This, is a beautiful and grand idea- but doesn't it seriously challenge our self preservation, me first, society? I say, oh yes! This completely challenges our 21st century way of life, and thank God for it, because this is a key principle that needs to change, and that change has been heavily set on my heart and mind by the hands of God.

I believe that unconditional love does not merely mean basic forgiveness, a smile and a handshake; in other words, saying, "Oh, I still love ya." because you feel as if this is what you are supposed to say, and moving on, when it is clear that the damage has been done in your person hood. You are speaking a lie- the love has been broken, and you have already made the resolution to keep your distance. While this makes sense, a lot of times, it is not what we are called to do. We are never called to be closed to anyone in our hearts. Unconditional, here means, having such a loving spirit, that there is no room in it for anything else, that there is no room there for bitterness, for pessimism or for a vengeful spirit. Unconditional love is not a love that you place on other people, nod and walk away from, feeling you have done a good service- unconditional love is a life change that has to take place within you. It is a process of self purification, of drawing in to God's heart, and letting go of your own. To love unconditionally is to love EVERYTHING the way God loves it, to see the way God sees, as much as we can, as mere mortals on this earth.

To love this way is not simply to tolerate, or to endure. It is to love as feverishly, and as passionately as you would as if no pain had ever touched you, no illness had ever befallen you, as if this was the very first moment of your life. And I believe the Lord wants us to live out of this love, this complete, trusting, faithful, unmoving love, in every aspect of our lives. That means, from the way we deal with the closest friend, to the stranger, from the way we view our roles in life, our work, even the way we treat our pets, or the way we view the less than pleasant things in our lives. No matter what happens, he wants us to get back up and not just stand, but jump, not just smile, but laugh- we are to embrace everything completely and joyously that he places on us, even if the process, or the price, is painful and upsetting. Make no mistake, this doesn't call for us to be naive, or life life blindly. In fact, it is the opposite- and I say this from deepest personal experience and perspective... when we live out of that power, out of that love, which is the Holy Spirit, we learn far more incredible things than when we run around shielding our eyes and our hearts from the "might be"s. This is the type of love that changes the world- just by being allowed to be present in ONE person. This is the kind of love that manifests peace, that makes people stop and take notice- that makes people believe in a God, in hope, in a life that is worth living, and a destiny, a mission, a world that is better and more beautiful than we ever imagined. This what makes a better life for our children, a better world for even the smallest of the small... where everyone matters. It is this love that makes a Mother Teresa- she was not born any different than you or I. She made the choice, she chased Christ and He, in turn, taught her to love this way. We can, and we should, love this way. We need to start today, and every day by saying, I WILL.

So how do we do it? We seek the cross. We crush our fears, and replace it with God's hope. We believe in what is seemingly impossible. We chase, and we chase, and we chase- and we believe in God's holy plan, in his superior intellect, in his incredible heart. We do all that we can to become it, to embrace it, the way a spark joins in to a fire. Believe in the importance of your participation in God's plan, believe that every second is given to YOU to make a difference for God, and that nothing is a waste of time, especially if God has called you to it. Accept the pain you will go through, and love it anyway. Accept that people will try to destroy you, will try to manipulate you, will try to defile you- and love them anyway. Know them. Speak to them, be with them- if God so wills it. Do not turn away from anyone. As Christians, we are a part of God's whole, so we must be willing to be his arm, or be his hand- always.

How much do we injure God? Think of the things you have done in your lifetime, that you are sure have made god weep, and have pierced him. Now, multiply that by a world. Multiply that. How many of his children has HE lost? How many have turned their back to Him, spit on Him, ridiculed and make a joke of Him? How many have done heartbreaking things, terrible, awful things to his other babes? If we are so sure that the things we have done have hurt Him deeply, imagine how he cries out during a genocide? A murder? Torture? Abuse? And yet- he does not give up on us, he does not betray us... in fact, He still passionately, unconditionally, totally and joyously adores us. He died for us, as a whole. He died for the murderers, and the ones who refused to know him, just as readily as He died for those who were closest to Him.

Our God knows our pain, from his seat in heaven, and from his body while on earth. We do not serve a God who is not willing to suffer with us, willing to cry when we cry- and not only is He willing, he does it. But He does not stop, and He does not cease.

Start today. Love courageously.

If It Seems too Good to be True...

...Sometimes its God.

This phrase came to me not too long ago, and it struck me! How much do we subscribe to that idea, that if its too good too be true, it must be? We are taught, over and over, through family, society, common sense (in many ways), friendships, and romantic relationships, that we should be wary of any great kindness, that most things are snakes in the grass. Of course, in many situations, it's a good rule of thumb... If you are buying a car, and the car is priced phenomenally low, the salesman is a little pushy and demanding, and you're not allowed to test drive before purchase, I would say this rule should be abided by. The problem arises when we bring this life principle in to the arena when dealing with Christ. Christ, is not selling anything. (As much as people often try to sell Him- sigh) He is not out to make us in to fools- and when every other area of our life seems be modeled around avoiding being made in to the fool, how do we accept the humble role of servant to our Lord? We must cast off this idea, that we are not to dream, that we are not to rejoice- and that we are not ever to be taken a fool. (At least a fool is teachable, and fool, here, does not equate stupidity.) It is possible to be aware, to be safe and to be intelligent, while also joyous. God allows for those things to co-exist. Not only does he allow it, he encourages and applaudes it. Does Christ promise an easy, care free road? No. He promises a road that will call you to trial, that will throw you to the wolves, lend you to deal with prejudice and hate- and that will likely strip you, dress you, and strip you again- but in that same breath, he promises you COMFORT, and, I feel, he promises you a reason to truly CELEBRATE. In a burned field, there is still the blooming flower, the gentle rose- and that is our presence in the world. We are uncrushable, we are unstoppable and we are gentle with God's love in our lives. We are the same, and yet, we choose to be different, we choose an embrace over revenge, we choose love over spite- we are entering a life that is unsteady, but necessary and key. Why, then, do we find ourselves so fearful of being taken advantage of, or being made in to a joke? Honestly- if we feel that way, we do not understand the true spark of divinity in God's power. We begin with this fear as an idea of self preservation, but if not kept in check, it turns in to a leak in the dam, and begins to rob us of intimacy and friendship with our God. We have to trust and believe in our leaders on earth; our partners, our friends, our father's, our families, and sometimes we are called be a leader ourselves... We must also trust God, this is no different- other than God is far more trustworthy.

The testimonies, that I have personally witnessed and personally experienced, of God's hand are unbelievable. A good friend of mine was once homeless- and literally, in total trust and humility, dropped to her knees and begged for a solution- and when she stood, she knew she was taken care of. Within three days, someone literally HANDED her a pair of keys, and she had a home. No cost, no strings. Just a wealthy man, trying to make a difference- he heard a call, he answered. It's a scary thought, honestly, according to our society standards. I asked her, "Were you scared that this person might have wanted something from you? Or that he might turn against you, or put something above you- as you would be in a position of "owing" him?" She smiled and said, "Of course I thought of it, but instead of worrying, I prayed, and I listened- and God showed me that this man's heart was good- and this gift of a home was God's intention, carried out by this person. And that it was alright, and that I should trust it." Within a week she was moved in- and she too heard a calling. She fed people, clothed people and took people in to that home- she opened it doors and the sorrowful and the sick came, to be cared for, to be touched and loved. There is a plan in this- that requires our full participation as human beings... I believe in my soul that she received that miracle, in that way, in that moment so that God could place a calling in her heart. It is imperative to remember that our blessings do not belong to the self- but to the whole, to the Body. God is the provider, but we distribute, and we sow the seeds.

On the other hand, there are people I have known my whole life, who hit their knees everyday, and as each day goes by, their constant prayer remains unanswered. Many people who experience this become so frustrated and so hurt, and as our lives go on, of course they do. And for some, they die with that prayer unanswered. Many, when this happens, turn their finger to God, I, however, turn my thoughts to us- to His people. If we all lived selflessly, giving freely out of every blessing, without fear and with only the purest of intentions in our hearts, the face of the world would be radically changed. Would there still be death? Oh yes, it is a part of life. Would there still be tragedy? Unfortunately. But no one would starve. No one would suffer abuse, no one would die at the hands of another, no one would be defiled and damaged- and so many more of those unanswered prayers would be answered, and with a shout! We are here to take care of each other, and help each other to learn, brothers and sisters. Starting now- let's dedicate to DOING it!

It is hard in life, and especially in this day and age where so many things are instantaneous, to deal with something we can so easily see as a constant disappointment. But the beauty, and the wholeness of living with unanswered prayers (which, lets be honest, be all must do- as we are not perfect, and cannot answer every call) is when we can still accept the good- and realize God's hand is still just as prevalent in our lives. We are truly reaching a whole new level of trust, selflessness and faith when we can understand that the timing of the gift, or the miracle, is just as important as the fulfillment of the promise itself. Believing in God's timing- and TRUSTING it, as in, relieving yourself from the stress of when and why, is incredibly important. That's the beauty! Even if everyone else fails you- God is still on your side, and He is still making an arrangement in your life. There will never be a day that you cannot come to Him and cry in to His spirit. But, if we spend our lives grieving over what we do not have, we have nothing- and everything we may have had, rots.

Sometimes, every once in a while, a gorgeous thing, or beautiful opportunity, the dream of a life time comes our way-- often with the price of hard work, and sometimes out of the realm of unexpected things. How many times do we look back, after being so heartbroken by a series of disappointments, but then, in retrospect, see how perfectly everything came together? Yes, parts are to be credited to your life choices, and parts are as a result of other's choices- but in the end, it is impossible to look back and not see God's hand and wisdom in the total picture. He loves us with a low voice, and guides us with a steady hand- not a loud yell and stern kick, because He wants us to LIVE. We are not puppets, and we don't want to be puppeteered... we are servants, to Him, and thereby, to each other. We have to want to serve, we have to want to do the most beautiful things, to invent a new way, and to boldly continue on- we need to want to be the catalyst which allows for a prayer to be answered, for a light to be switched on in the darkness. We need to want to love, all the time, everyday. And if we all lived out of that need, if we all focused on answering that call, there would be nothing to fear. Nothing would be too good to be true. Ever.

If Life Seems Jolly Rotten, There's Something You've Forgotten!

I know I have started mornings where I awake, and all I can think is, "What am I supposed to be doing? I should be through school, and I'm not- everyone thought I would have a booming career at this point in my life, and I don't...What goal do you have for my life, What am I doing?"

When I do this, I am asking God's will in the wrong way... I think this is an unnecessary stress so many of us force on ourselves. So often we ask God, "Why aren't I doing these things now, today- because I should be doing them! What did I do wrong? (As if it is always punishment, we know better.) Why haven't I landed that job? Why did the plans change?" But we so often forget that God doesn't work within SOCIETAL standards. It is not God's law which dictates that you should be graduated by such age, or that you should be married, with two perfect kids in a picket fenced house...it is only in his law that we do his will, and willingly obey. So often, we ask the wrong question. We ask why DON'T I, as opposed to, why DO I... Imagine if we all started our day, humbly, with this instead...

"God, why have you given me today?"

Every moment, there are more than a thousand and one ways in which we could perish, in which we could be wiped off the face of this planet and everyday people's journey's on Earth come to an end. How many times have you gotten off the highway, just as a terrible accident occurs, that would have been you? Has a bullet ever grazed your body? Have you gone to war, and come back alive? Have you been incredibly ill, and miraculously survived? Oh, don't worry- I have died TWICE, and still I find myself fretting over what I do not have, when I should be singing in the streets, every second, for what I do have.

We ask why we haven't received things, as opposed to why we have been GIVEN them. And those things we have been given, we are far more apt to let go of than what we feel we are missing. Yet, we have nothing without life! And it is the very thing whose presence we find it easiest to ignore. We forget to see the awesomeness in our daily lives, in the fact that we have a purpose and a calling. The more we invite God in, to take the place of all the silly wants we hold on to, the more we want to sing, and the more singing we will do.

Working on completely manifesting this change of perception is key to relationship and intimate closeness with God. There are no longer any losses in life, only gains- and no more shut doors, only opportunities. And those opportunities are moment, by moment. It is this point of view that is the spark of life, of hope, and is closest to the beat of God's heart. We are not to worry over anything- we are to listen to each and every breath, and to follow as closely as we can, despite our tiredness, or our imperfections.

I have taken this approach, like an iron clad baseball bat, to the things I previously considered "losses" in my life. Abuse, abandonment, failures, changed plans, health issues, etc... and suddenly, with this loving perspective in tow, these things are far from losses, but unbelievable achievements. I lost NOTHING in these dark hallows, in which I thought I lost everything, that God has not replenished in my heart with his incredible love, and his incredible truth. Because that abuse did not make me hateful, those changed plans have their course and I am still presently living a wonderful life, and those health issues are behind me- hence, nothing is lost. And my life, my child, my husband have been gained. These things are not "rights", or "privileges"--- they are divine miracles. And the beauty is- it's not just me. Everyone experiences them. Believe in yourself the way our Lord believes in you, constantly, without fail- as he believed in us always. Believe in the miracles.

"There is nothing that the World can take that God will not replace- and there World cannot take ANYTHING that God has given you... as long as you hold on to what has been given, and let go of anything and everything else."

A Few Quick Notes on Some Long Lessons Learned...

Just some lessons I have been learning lately...in delicious bullet format. :)

. Pertaining to that phrase; "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

I have come to believe that that is a completely false notion, or rather, a misunderstood statement. I have rewritten it for myself, to read...

"God doesn't give you anything HE can't handle."

I, as a person walking without any divine thought, ridden with self doubt, selfishness and fear- that person, who is the "I", is capable of nothing. Nothing in comparison to what the "I" who walks in the light, and with the love of God, is capable of. He gives us hardships to learn how to connect back to the source, to learn how to accept the good, and to learn how to be broken and appreciative, and how to overcome the impossible without becoming torn. And this version of the phrase, I adore.

. Pure patience is the answer to all things.

Patience, in its most potent and simple form, is an incredibly difficult, and beautiful thing to diligently try to obtain. It eliminates the need for judgement, for anger, for stress projected on the self- and opens doors of creativity, previously undiscovered. It destroys the angsty pitfalls of disappointment and self loathing, and uplifts the mind in to a healthy and spiritually confident spectrum, free from worldly games. Don't take it all so seriously, and so heavily- let it roll off your back and hit the ground where it belongs... Of course, no one can levitate in this state permanently during our time on the planet, but if we can even achieve this state for even a day, a moment, a second- the possibilities and realities are endless. Most importantly, pure patience in practice requires total love- a nifty, whadya know, double whammy.

. Talk to yourself like you are someone you LOVE.

Loving yourself, all of yourself, unconditionally, is so damn important. And so DAMN weird. Coming from a family where love is rare and uncomfortable between people, of course this concept is unnerving, and it is perhaps God's most constant lesson for me. But this is the thing... to love yourself, is to know yourself. And knowing yourself, is key to any and all success.

. Be exactly who you are, and what you are, 100% of the time.

It doesn't matter who is listening, what eyes are watching- if you're not you, how in the world can you impact anyone or make a difference in anything? What would Einstein have done if he had abandoned his passion for a more common and lucrative field? What would Tesla have accomplished is he wasn't such a cat obsessed, static electricity loving weirdo? Or even the great actors of the silver screen- how much inspiration and joy would be missing from our lives if they abandoned their unlikely, and elaborate dream? The point is, who you are, and knowing who you are is the key to understanding what you are MEANT to DO. Embrace it! Play in the mud, sit with yourself in a sandbox and build something beautiful.

. "You have enemies? Good! It shows you stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill

(FEARSOME! Good form!)

Right. Thank you Churchill. This speaks for itself.